"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"
Psalm 46:10 speaks volumes about being silent and when we allow it too, the silence speaks volumes. Which is something that I struggle with, and believe me, I know that revelation doesn't shock any of you. It's funny, because the last few months I've been pretty silent on here to the point that my writing has become non-existent. I realized last night that that silence is in direct correlation with my lack of silence in my communication with God. When I'm not still, I'm not listening... which a lot of times means I'm not learning. However, it's more complex than that...
Being that I am a "talker" (which is a vast understatement), I tend to communicate really well on my end, to the point that I over communicate on everything. Don't believe me? Ask my girlfriend, I'm sure she would love to have someone listen about my over communication problem. Here's what I realized yesterday... Sometimes when I pray, especially on long drives, or walks, when I have complete focus and reverence before The Lord, I tend to over communicate. I just continue to spew words, wants, needs, and desires out to God to the point that I don't think I'm really communicating with God anymore, instead, I'm just thinking out loud. My prayers become less reverent & focused, and more rambled & frustrated. I'm often too concerned with telling God to teach me things, to answer me, to provide for me, to heal me, to comfort me... instead of realizing that He is already doing those things, and I could feel His presence in a stronger way if I would just shut up...
Through this realization came yet another lesson. I'm telling you, when I shut up and listen God pours it on. This morning I read Colossians 3:15-17:
"And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
I realized that my inability to be still is correlated to my inability to let the peace of Christ rule in my heart, and to let the word of Christ dwell in me. The icing on this cake of realization, is that all of that also causes me to stumble in my thankfulness. I find myself praising and thanking God less when I'm over communicating. One of my prayers almost every day, is that God would shape me into the man he's calling me to be... and somehow, I expect Him to do that without listening to that calling. I want others to see Jesus in me, I want to learn patience and stillness, and I want to practice those things daily. I want to know God, to the fullest extent, to the point that in everything I do whether in word or deed I'm seeking and glorifying Him.
Unfortunately, I have failed in doing those things daily.
Fortunately, that failure is forgiven daily, and I am wiped clean.
In order to know God, we must seek Him, and in order to seek Him, we have to be in relationship with Him, and in order to be in relationship with Him, our communication must become a two way street. I'm going to stop talking, and start listening. I'm going to strive to be more like Jesus today, and find joy in the stillness.
It's better that way.
Grace and Peace
5.14.2014
2.19.2014
What to do about Women... Take 2
A little less than a year and a half ago, in the fall of 2012 I wrote a post called What to do about Women. I covered some things I thought needed to be said about our responsibility as men, to treat women with a certain respect, to cherish them, and to honor them. Please understand, I don't feel like I'm the leading expert on women. Actually, I know for a FACT I am not a leading expert. However, I do know that God has taught me some things through other men, older men than myself, about what it takes to treat women the way God intended. It has also been made very apparent to me, again and again, in the last year and a half that a lot of you missed that post I shared. Because, you just don't get it.
This time, I'm not writing to men... instead I'm writing to all the boys out there. What I mean by that is I'm writing this for two people groups 1. Boys that by age are not yet men but will be one day, so they need to learn (we could argue when this changes, but we won't) and 2. Boys that by age should be men, but by maturity and actions are far from it. Brothers, please hear me when I say we have to change the way women are treated. I mean, what on Earth are we doing treating the heiress' to the Kingdom of God like this?? Why aren't we more focused on doing the little things that make them feel like they matter, because they deserve to know they do matter. I'm going to lay this out for you, and give you my opinion on the things that need to stop, and the things that should be happening in their place. As I said, I'm not an expert... I don't have all the answers... and I'm not the smartest guy I know, but these are things even the dumbest man should be able to do for the women in his life (and by plural "women" I mean that includes your mother/sister/friends/significant other... I don't mean multiple significant others, wake up!).
Honestly, I am sick and tired of hearing story after story about women, all kinds of different women, being treated like absolute crap by men who are acting like boys. If I could, I'd grab each of you by the shoulders and shake you back and forth while screaming "What the hell is your problem". Women are beautiful, complex and downright confusing beings... I get that, but they are also often times the most genuine, loving, kind-hearted, compassionate beings you will ever encounter. Why would you want to make her feel like an object or a possession? When God made Eve, he didn't look at Adam and say "I have made you a woman, own her, boss her around, treat her like the dirt that you walk on". NO! God created Adam to work the Garden, and then said "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him" (Genesis 2:18) Then he made a bunch of animals, let Adam name them, and then realized none of these beasts were a suitable helper for Adam. God put Adam to sleep, pulled out a rib, and created the world's first female human being. Adam woke up, looked at her, and said "WOAH MAN, that's awesome" and from then on, the female was known as woman... Okay, Okay, so that part isn't exactly Biblical, but I'm a man, and I know that's what 'ol boy was thinking in his head. What he actually said was "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man" (Genesis 2:23). Read that again men... bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. In the first post I wrote I used these scriptures to support the idea that women are to walk beside us, which is true... but I want to make a slightly different point here: again, Adam said bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. Woman came from Man, woman is a part of man. As men, we demand respect because we are men! So, if woman came from man... doesn't she deserve the same respect we demand for ourselves? Shouldn't we love the women in our lives, as much as (if not more) than we love ourselves? I say we should, it makes complete sense. Woman was taken from the side of man to be his helper (and not in the sense that she's a subordinate), why wouldn't we want to treat women with the same dignity, respect, love and desire that we (most of the time) treat ourselves with?
Look, what I'm trying to say is... let's stop acting like boys and start acting like men.
Stop telling a woman you "don't really want to commit, but we can hang out". If you aren't interested in pursuing her heart, but rather just her body-- don't waste her time.
Don't ridicule her or put her down for things you don't understand. Women are (often times) more emotional than men, that doesn't give us free reign to mock their emotions (or get mad at them for being emotional) just because we don't understand... sometimes, they don't even understand why they are emotional (so I'm told).
Stop. Don't. Quit. Never. Are all words that should come before this phrase "make(ing) her feel unworthy". Guess what guys, WE are the ones who are unworthy. God created the most beautiful creature on Earth, and hard-wired her to love us. Don't take that for granted.
Unless your name is Genghis Khan, Alexander the Great, or Atilla the Hun, you are not a conqueror There is nothing manly about "conquering" or "exploiting" women for your own sinful, sexual desires by "hooking up" with as many women as you can. Stop doing it.
Try taking interest in her and her interests... even if she's not a car, a sport, or a beer can (*please note, I'm not saying women do not enjoy these things). I'm not saying you can't still drink beer, watch sports, or drive your car like Mario Andretti, but it wouldn't kill you to watch a movie/show that SHE likes, to go cheer for HER teams, or listen to HER favorite radio station.
Pursue her heart. Make it your mission to find out everything you can about her, so that you can partake in her interests, maybe have some semblance of understanding of why she's upset with you, and know exactly what to do in those situations (at least sometimes). Don't just focus on how hot she is, focus on how amazing she is too.
Give her butterflies. I'm not talking insects here brothers (unless she's into that sort of thing?). I'm talking tell her she's beautiful, cook dinner AND do the dishes, buy her flowers on a day other than Valentine's day, do something spontaneous, plan a date of the things she likes to do, compliment her when you/she walks in the door, hug her, send her good morning texts to let her know you thought of her when you woke up. Make her feel so special that when she tells her friends about you, they struggle to believe you exist. Trust me when I say that if you can do this, it not only makes her feel special (as she should) it will make you feel like the tallest man in the world.
Be vulnerable. I know that's a scary word for us men, but let her see that there's more to you than sports, cars and beer. Let her know that you have interests that don't include building stuff and blowing it up. It's okay to tell her how you're feeling, in fact, it might just make her love you more.
Be genuine. Because guess what, you can stop/start doing all the things above, and they won't mean diddly unless it's from the heart. Don't deceive her, just be real. If you can't do that for her, break up with her, give her the chance to find someone who can.
I said it in the beginning, and I'll say it again. I'm no where near an expert on women. The things I'm saying here aren't difficult to understand. Stop living by the standards of the world, and start living as a man of God. Guess what, if you have a woman in your life currently who cares about you, respects you, honors you, or even can merely "puts up with you", she deserves nothing other than your best.
What to do about women, you ask?
Honor. Cherish. Love. Pursue. Respect.
If I've learned anything from the amazing women I've gotten the chance to be impacted by, it's that those things are enough... and anymore, they're rare. Let's bring chivalry back, let's make a stand.
Grace and Peace
This time, I'm not writing to men... instead I'm writing to all the boys out there. What I mean by that is I'm writing this for two people groups 1. Boys that by age are not yet men but will be one day, so they need to learn (we could argue when this changes, but we won't) and 2. Boys that by age should be men, but by maturity and actions are far from it. Brothers, please hear me when I say we have to change the way women are treated. I mean, what on Earth are we doing treating the heiress' to the Kingdom of God like this?? Why aren't we more focused on doing the little things that make them feel like they matter, because they deserve to know they do matter. I'm going to lay this out for you, and give you my opinion on the things that need to stop, and the things that should be happening in their place. As I said, I'm not an expert... I don't have all the answers... and I'm not the smartest guy I know, but these are things even the dumbest man should be able to do for the women in his life (and by plural "women" I mean that includes your mother/sister/friends/significant other... I don't mean multiple significant others, wake up!).
Honestly, I am sick and tired of hearing story after story about women, all kinds of different women, being treated like absolute crap by men who are acting like boys. If I could, I'd grab each of you by the shoulders and shake you back and forth while screaming "What the hell is your problem". Women are beautiful, complex and downright confusing beings... I get that, but they are also often times the most genuine, loving, kind-hearted, compassionate beings you will ever encounter. Why would you want to make her feel like an object or a possession? When God made Eve, he didn't look at Adam and say "I have made you a woman, own her, boss her around, treat her like the dirt that you walk on". NO! God created Adam to work the Garden, and then said "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him" (Genesis 2:18) Then he made a bunch of animals, let Adam name them, and then realized none of these beasts were a suitable helper for Adam. God put Adam to sleep, pulled out a rib, and created the world's first female human being. Adam woke up, looked at her, and said "WOAH MAN, that's awesome" and from then on, the female was known as woman... Okay, Okay, so that part isn't exactly Biblical, but I'm a man, and I know that's what 'ol boy was thinking in his head. What he actually said was "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man" (Genesis 2:23). Read that again men... bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh. In the first post I wrote I used these scriptures to support the idea that women are to walk beside us, which is true... but I want to make a slightly different point here: again, Adam said bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh. Woman came from Man, woman is a part of man. As men, we demand respect because we are men! So, if woman came from man... doesn't she deserve the same respect we demand for ourselves? Shouldn't we love the women in our lives, as much as (if not more) than we love ourselves? I say we should, it makes complete sense. Woman was taken from the side of man to be his helper (and not in the sense that she's a subordinate), why wouldn't we want to treat women with the same dignity, respect, love and desire that we (most of the time) treat ourselves with?
Look, what I'm trying to say is... let's stop acting like boys and start acting like men.
Stop telling a woman you "don't really want to commit, but we can hang out". If you aren't interested in pursuing her heart, but rather just her body-- don't waste her time.
Don't ridicule her or put her down for things you don't understand. Women are (often times) more emotional than men, that doesn't give us free reign to mock their emotions (or get mad at them for being emotional) just because we don't understand... sometimes, they don't even understand why they are emotional (so I'm told).
Stop. Don't. Quit. Never. Are all words that should come before this phrase "make(ing) her feel unworthy". Guess what guys, WE are the ones who are unworthy. God created the most beautiful creature on Earth, and hard-wired her to love us. Don't take that for granted.
Unless your name is Genghis Khan, Alexander the Great, or Atilla the Hun, you are not a conqueror There is nothing manly about "conquering" or "exploiting" women for your own sinful, sexual desires by "hooking up" with as many women as you can. Stop doing it.
Try taking interest in her and her interests... even if she's not a car, a sport, or a beer can (*please note, I'm not saying women do not enjoy these things). I'm not saying you can't still drink beer, watch sports, or drive your car like Mario Andretti, but it wouldn't kill you to watch a movie/show that SHE likes, to go cheer for HER teams, or listen to HER favorite radio station.
Pursue her heart. Make it your mission to find out everything you can about her, so that you can partake in her interests, maybe have some semblance of understanding of why she's upset with you, and know exactly what to do in those situations (at least sometimes). Don't just focus on how hot she is, focus on how amazing she is too.
Give her butterflies. I'm not talking insects here brothers (unless she's into that sort of thing?). I'm talking tell her she's beautiful, cook dinner AND do the dishes, buy her flowers on a day other than Valentine's day, do something spontaneous, plan a date of the things she likes to do, compliment her when you/she walks in the door, hug her, send her good morning texts to let her know you thought of her when you woke up. Make her feel so special that when she tells her friends about you, they struggle to believe you exist. Trust me when I say that if you can do this, it not only makes her feel special (as she should) it will make you feel like the tallest man in the world.
Be vulnerable. I know that's a scary word for us men, but let her see that there's more to you than sports, cars and beer. Let her know that you have interests that don't include building stuff and blowing it up. It's okay to tell her how you're feeling, in fact, it might just make her love you more.
Be genuine. Because guess what, you can stop/start doing all the things above, and they won't mean diddly unless it's from the heart. Don't deceive her, just be real. If you can't do that for her, break up with her, give her the chance to find someone who can.
I said it in the beginning, and I'll say it again. I'm no where near an expert on women. The things I'm saying here aren't difficult to understand. Stop living by the standards of the world, and start living as a man of God. Guess what, if you have a woman in your life currently who cares about you, respects you, honors you, or even can merely "puts up with you", she deserves nothing other than your best.
What to do about women, you ask?
Honor. Cherish. Love. Pursue. Respect.
If I've learned anything from the amazing women I've gotten the chance to be impacted by, it's that those things are enough... and anymore, they're rare. Let's bring chivalry back, let's make a stand.
Grace and Peace
2.17.2014
Holiness, Genuineness, Humility, and Love.
Church.
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the word church over the last few weeks. I've been spending a lot of time wrestling with the idea of the disconnect that I see so often between Jesus and church, or even more prevalent, Jesus and religion. Many of you have probably seen the Youtube Viral video Jesus > Religion aka Why I love Jesus and hate religion by Jeff Bethke. I'm not going to repeat what he says, even though I think there is a lot validity there. What I'm going to talk about is why people's perceptions of the church are hindering their perceptions of Jesus, why we are the problem, and why I, at least in some small part, am the solution.
There's been a lot of talk lately about church in Christian circles. In case you haven't picked up on that, just do a Google search on Donald Miller and his opinions on going to church. People have destroyed this guy for his views... and it's not okay. I'm not saying that I 100% agree with every point he made, but the point is he's bringing to light a huge issue that a lot of people are starting to talk about. That is, what is it about the church that's damaging people's viewpoints on Jesus. Before I go any further, let me make a distinction. I think that people have an issue with the church as an insitution and I think that that is a vastly different (not rightfully so) thing than we the church or the body of Christ. In order to make sure this distinction is clear throughout the rest of this post, when I'm talking about the institution I will refer to it as the church, and when I'm referring to us as the church I will call it the body. Okay, now that that is established let's get to the nitty gritty... and no we are not going fishing in the dark.
Let me just throw down from the get-go with this: The whole reason I'm writing this post, is because my heart has been breaking the last few weeks for those that don't have a relationship with Christ in a whole new way. I realized today, that the reason my heart is breaking is because as the body we are called to love people, yet, our own perceived righteousness often breaks others. I think it damages those around us that don't know Christ, and too often we are completely oblivious to this happening around us. I'm guilty of it too. Sometimes I get on my pedestal and push God aside and say, "HEY LOOK AT ME, I'M RIGHTEOUS TODAY BECAUSE I _____________ (insert random service/task). I make things about me, not Jesus. I'm not proud of that at all, in fact, I despise that about myself. Now, I could easily sit here and say things like "I'm human" or "It's okay because everyone else does it too" but those things don't make it justifiable. I don't want to be that person. I want to help people see the love of Christ by being the body outside of the church, and within it.
The simple fact is, that I'm wretched in my sinfulness. That these people that I have ostracized in my own perceived righteousness are not so different from myself. That became really apparent this morning during service when we touched on what Paul writes to Timothy in 1 Timothy 1:15-17:
"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example to those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."
You see, I'm like Paul in that, when it comes to the sinners of this world, that Jesus came to save, I am the worst. I think that Paul meant that he knows that he's the worst because his sin is the only that he truly understands and knows within his core. He follows Christ and yet he is still a sinner who needs a savior. It brought to the light, in an even brighter way than ever before, the disgust with which I view my sin. Which is really funny, given that I still project this perceived righteousness to other people. That's something I want to break free of... and that's why I do this. Here's a side story-- I love side stories just an fyi...
Last week, someone asked me about why I blog. I mentioned that it's a way for me to be transparent and real. He wanted to know why it didn't bother me to share my sins/struggles/victories with people all over the world that I had never met, and most likely won't ever meet. I realized this morning the real answer is that because I want to break free of my own perceived righteousness, and I want to right whatever wrong notions I have given others about myself. The words above, talking about being the worst of the sinners, those words are true. I'm not righteous, I'm no different from anyone else. I'm a sinner, I'm a wretched, lowly, terrible sinner. What's different isn't me... what's different, is Jesus. I am saved by grace, I am saved by HIS righteousness, not my own. That's why I write this, and that's why I struggle with the heartbreak that I feel when I realize that the church is damaging the potential some of these people have to have a relationship with Jesus.
As the body, we are called to let other people know this. This is where Chuck's message points this morning break down what I'm trying to say (Thanks Chuck!)...
There are a few things we can do to help combat the struggle people have with the church. As the body, as individuals we should be doing these 4 things (let's be honest, there's more than four, but this is what Chuck gave me to work with)
1. Pursue holiness. Ephesians 5:1-2 says this, "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as CHrist loved us and gave himself up for us a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." We are called to pursue holiness by being imitators of God. We should be loving those around us, we should be sacrificing ourselves for the sake of others, the way Christ sacrificed himself for us. Now, some of you may be thinking... "Dude, there is no way you, or I are willing to hang from a cross and die a brutal and painful death for these other people." I would say you're right, only because, I know we don't need to die that death. When I say we must sacrifice ourselves, I don't mean we have to be crucified for others. I mean we have to give of our time, our talents, our finances, our hearts, and our lives to others in order to lead them onward towards a relationship with Jesus. That's how we pursue holiness. We live like Jesus, and preach the life of Jesus to other people.
2. Pursue genuineness. Refer back to Paul's words to Timothy that I shared above. Paul was being true and genuine when dealing with Timothy. He was being real, vulnerable, and transparent. We can't put on a perceived righteousness or holiness just to give others a perception of ourselves. It's damaging to the message of Christ. The genuine truth is, that when it comes me... I'm far from being a good person. Granted, I would like to think by the world's standards I am a good person, but by Christ's standards (which is what I want to live by) I'm no good. Isaiah 64:6 says "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf and like the wind our sins sweep us away." My good works are no good, and others deserve to know that. In order for me to share Jesus with others I have to be willing to be myself, and be honest about the fact that God deserves all glory, and that without him I am nothing. In order for others to see the love that Christ has for creation, they have to be able to understand the grace and mercy he has shown me.
3. Develop humility. Philippians 2:3 says "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Humility is something we all struggle with. The world has taught us that only the strong survive, which has led us to believe that if we are surviving it's because of our own doing. How often are we quick to blame God in the bad things? Yet, just as quick to praise ourselves in the victorious moments? Humility, as defined by the dictionary, is a modest or low view of one's own importance. Look, I still struggle with this daily, but deep down in my heart I know that I am not important in the grand scheme of things, what is important is Christ, and sharing his love with others. In a conversation I had just last night, about a new opportunity to walk side by side with an amazing girl, I said that my focus is to put God first, then her, my family and friends second, and myself last. Ultimately, I am here to be an imitator of Christ, and if that's true of me I have to develop humility and realize the lowly importance that I possess.
4. Share Jesus. Yeah, I made that one bigger than all the others... wanna fight about it?? (I kid, I kid). Honestly though, of the four points, I think this one is the most important, solely because it is the culmination of the other three. The church shouldn't be damaging people's views of Christ, we should be sharing Jesus. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I think a lot of times the church is perceived as rules and regulations that people have to follow, when Christ is really about relationship. On the phone yesterday, Price said this: "All relationships are the same, your relationship with God, your parents, with Megan, with your roommate, with me... they are all about love, and that love is about putting that other person first." If Christ is about relationship, then in order for me to have that relationship with him, I have to put him first. In order for me to share him with others, and honor my relationship with him, I have to put others first. Which means I have to develop humility, I have to be genuine, and I have to pursue holiness.
Please understand, I'm not saying that the church is a bad thing. It just needs to be re-calibrated in a lot of ways. I think that the focus truly needs to be relationship and sharing Jesus, with those that are a part of the body, and those that are not yet a part of the body. I just want to see a change in the church as an institution. I want to stop perpetuating the idea that the church is about rules and regulations, not relationships. We have to humble ourselves and realize that for centuries things like power corruption, hypocrisy, false teaching, and unfair associations have been the problem, and we as people are in a lot of ways the root of that problem. This isn't a comfortable idea, but that's the point. Being a Christ follower isn't comfortable, it's blissfully uncomfortable. There's joy in ripping away the comfort that the world offers for the love that Christ gives freely.
In fact, sitting at Starbucks near some of our high school youth, that I know have a real grasp on the things that I'm talking about above. I asked them, "In four words or less, what would you say being a Christian means"... Here are the responses I got:
Loving others like God.
Being Jesus to the least of these.
Striving to be Christ-like
Representing Christ on Earth
Shining the light of Jesus
Loving God with all your heart
Glorifying God
This is what gives me hope that we can re-calibrate the church, and get the church and the body back on the same page.
This is what we need to do in order to share Jesus with others.
This is what love looks like.
This is what humility, genuineness, and holiness look like.
This is real understanding of the joy of a relationship with Christ.
This. Is. The. Point.
This is the body, and this SHOULD be the church.
Grace and Peace
I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the word church over the last few weeks. I've been spending a lot of time wrestling with the idea of the disconnect that I see so often between Jesus and church, or even more prevalent, Jesus and religion. Many of you have probably seen the Youtube Viral video Jesus > Religion aka Why I love Jesus and hate religion by Jeff Bethke. I'm not going to repeat what he says, even though I think there is a lot validity there. What I'm going to talk about is why people's perceptions of the church are hindering their perceptions of Jesus, why we are the problem, and why I, at least in some small part, am the solution.
There's been a lot of talk lately about church in Christian circles. In case you haven't picked up on that, just do a Google search on Donald Miller and his opinions on going to church. People have destroyed this guy for his views... and it's not okay. I'm not saying that I 100% agree with every point he made, but the point is he's bringing to light a huge issue that a lot of people are starting to talk about. That is, what is it about the church that's damaging people's viewpoints on Jesus. Before I go any further, let me make a distinction. I think that people have an issue with the church as an insitution and I think that that is a vastly different (not rightfully so) thing than we the church or the body of Christ. In order to make sure this distinction is clear throughout the rest of this post, when I'm talking about the institution I will refer to it as the church, and when I'm referring to us as the church I will call it the body. Okay, now that that is established let's get to the nitty gritty... and no we are not going fishing in the dark.
Let me just throw down from the get-go with this: The whole reason I'm writing this post, is because my heart has been breaking the last few weeks for those that don't have a relationship with Christ in a whole new way. I realized today, that the reason my heart is breaking is because as the body we are called to love people, yet, our own perceived righteousness often breaks others. I think it damages those around us that don't know Christ, and too often we are completely oblivious to this happening around us. I'm guilty of it too. Sometimes I get on my pedestal and push God aside and say, "HEY LOOK AT ME, I'M RIGHTEOUS TODAY BECAUSE I _____________ (insert random service/task). I make things about me, not Jesus. I'm not proud of that at all, in fact, I despise that about myself. Now, I could easily sit here and say things like "I'm human" or "It's okay because everyone else does it too" but those things don't make it justifiable. I don't want to be that person. I want to help people see the love of Christ by being the body outside of the church, and within it.
The simple fact is, that I'm wretched in my sinfulness. That these people that I have ostracized in my own perceived righteousness are not so different from myself. That became really apparent this morning during service when we touched on what Paul writes to Timothy in 1 Timothy 1:15-17:
"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example to those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."
You see, I'm like Paul in that, when it comes to the sinners of this world, that Jesus came to save, I am the worst. I think that Paul meant that he knows that he's the worst because his sin is the only that he truly understands and knows within his core. He follows Christ and yet he is still a sinner who needs a savior. It brought to the light, in an even brighter way than ever before, the disgust with which I view my sin. Which is really funny, given that I still project this perceived righteousness to other people. That's something I want to break free of... and that's why I do this. Here's a side story-- I love side stories just an fyi...
Last week, someone asked me about why I blog. I mentioned that it's a way for me to be transparent and real. He wanted to know why it didn't bother me to share my sins/struggles/victories with people all over the world that I had never met, and most likely won't ever meet. I realized this morning the real answer is that because I want to break free of my own perceived righteousness, and I want to right whatever wrong notions I have given others about myself. The words above, talking about being the worst of the sinners, those words are true. I'm not righteous, I'm no different from anyone else. I'm a sinner, I'm a wretched, lowly, terrible sinner. What's different isn't me... what's different, is Jesus. I am saved by grace, I am saved by HIS righteousness, not my own. That's why I write this, and that's why I struggle with the heartbreak that I feel when I realize that the church is damaging the potential some of these people have to have a relationship with Jesus.
As the body, we are called to let other people know this. This is where Chuck's message points this morning break down what I'm trying to say (Thanks Chuck!)...
There are a few things we can do to help combat the struggle people have with the church. As the body, as individuals we should be doing these 4 things (let's be honest, there's more than four, but this is what Chuck gave me to work with)
1. Pursue holiness. Ephesians 5:1-2 says this, "Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as CHrist loved us and gave himself up for us a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." We are called to pursue holiness by being imitators of God. We should be loving those around us, we should be sacrificing ourselves for the sake of others, the way Christ sacrificed himself for us. Now, some of you may be thinking... "Dude, there is no way you, or I are willing to hang from a cross and die a brutal and painful death for these other people." I would say you're right, only because, I know we don't need to die that death. When I say we must sacrifice ourselves, I don't mean we have to be crucified for others. I mean we have to give of our time, our talents, our finances, our hearts, and our lives to others in order to lead them onward towards a relationship with Jesus. That's how we pursue holiness. We live like Jesus, and preach the life of Jesus to other people.
2. Pursue genuineness. Refer back to Paul's words to Timothy that I shared above. Paul was being true and genuine when dealing with Timothy. He was being real, vulnerable, and transparent. We can't put on a perceived righteousness or holiness just to give others a perception of ourselves. It's damaging to the message of Christ. The genuine truth is, that when it comes me... I'm far from being a good person. Granted, I would like to think by the world's standards I am a good person, but by Christ's standards (which is what I want to live by) I'm no good. Isaiah 64:6 says "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf and like the wind our sins sweep us away." My good works are no good, and others deserve to know that. In order for me to share Jesus with others I have to be willing to be myself, and be honest about the fact that God deserves all glory, and that without him I am nothing. In order for others to see the love that Christ has for creation, they have to be able to understand the grace and mercy he has shown me.
3. Develop humility. Philippians 2:3 says "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Humility is something we all struggle with. The world has taught us that only the strong survive, which has led us to believe that if we are surviving it's because of our own doing. How often are we quick to blame God in the bad things? Yet, just as quick to praise ourselves in the victorious moments? Humility, as defined by the dictionary, is a modest or low view of one's own importance. Look, I still struggle with this daily, but deep down in my heart I know that I am not important in the grand scheme of things, what is important is Christ, and sharing his love with others. In a conversation I had just last night, about a new opportunity to walk side by side with an amazing girl, I said that my focus is to put God first, then her, my family and friends second, and myself last. Ultimately, I am here to be an imitator of Christ, and if that's true of me I have to develop humility and realize the lowly importance that I possess.
4. Share Jesus. Yeah, I made that one bigger than all the others... wanna fight about it?? (I kid, I kid). Honestly though, of the four points, I think this one is the most important, solely because it is the culmination of the other three. The church shouldn't be damaging people's views of Christ, we should be sharing Jesus. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I think a lot of times the church is perceived as rules and regulations that people have to follow, when Christ is really about relationship. On the phone yesterday, Price said this: "All relationships are the same, your relationship with God, your parents, with Megan, with your roommate, with me... they are all about love, and that love is about putting that other person first." If Christ is about relationship, then in order for me to have that relationship with him, I have to put him first. In order for me to share him with others, and honor my relationship with him, I have to put others first. Which means I have to develop humility, I have to be genuine, and I have to pursue holiness.
Please understand, I'm not saying that the church is a bad thing. It just needs to be re-calibrated in a lot of ways. I think that the focus truly needs to be relationship and sharing Jesus, with those that are a part of the body, and those that are not yet a part of the body. I just want to see a change in the church as an institution. I want to stop perpetuating the idea that the church is about rules and regulations, not relationships. We have to humble ourselves and realize that for centuries things like power corruption, hypocrisy, false teaching, and unfair associations have been the problem, and we as people are in a lot of ways the root of that problem. This isn't a comfortable idea, but that's the point. Being a Christ follower isn't comfortable, it's blissfully uncomfortable. There's joy in ripping away the comfort that the world offers for the love that Christ gives freely.
In fact, sitting at Starbucks near some of our high school youth, that I know have a real grasp on the things that I'm talking about above. I asked them, "In four words or less, what would you say being a Christian means"... Here are the responses I got:
Loving others like God.
Being Jesus to the least of these.
Striving to be Christ-like
Representing Christ on Earth
Shining the light of Jesus
Loving God with all your heart
Glorifying God
This is what gives me hope that we can re-calibrate the church, and get the church and the body back on the same page.
This is what we need to do in order to share Jesus with others.
This is what love looks like.
This is what humility, genuineness, and holiness look like.
This is real understanding of the joy of a relationship with Christ.
This. Is. The. Point.
This is the body, and this SHOULD be the church.
Grace and Peace
1.03.2014
Challenge, Confusion, Comfort, and Culmination. 2013 A Year in Review
01.03.2014.
I started writing the annual "reflect on the past year/look forward to the new year" post for the last week. Each and every time I felt as though I was forcing it, or it didn't have my full attention. Tonight something is different, tonight I need to write this. I think that's because as of 3:30 pm today, the last two years of my professional life came to a close. In December of 2011 I began working for Cummins Emission Solutions. I worked with the Pricing Team for the last two years, and in the two years I have learned an incredible amount about business and myself. Now, you may be wondering why this is how I decided to begin writing this post, but you see it's because this new year, this new job, is the culmination of 365 days of God radically stretching me in ways I never dreamed possible.
This last year, I faced a lot of challenges and had a few triumphs. I began a small group of men that have become my Wednesday morning family. These are men that trusted me to lead them, and in turn have invested time, prayers, and energy into my life, my sin, my struggle, and my triumph. I traveled to Eastern Europe and made memories that will never leave me. I took a random trip to Florida with 3 great friends, I went to Gatlinburg with 6 of my best buds to celebrate a brother's marriage. I stood beside two of my dear friends as each of them married the women of their dreams. I moved into a new office building, which at first seemed like more of a headache than a blessing. Little did I know, that with that new office would come new friendships, friendships that have made me a better man, and saved me from myself on more than one occasion. I've gotten to celebrate new babies with many of my friends, and I've gotten to celebrate birthdays of cherished nieces, nephews, and my Goddaughter. I bought a new car (again), and I am thankful that it allows me to get from point A to point B so efficiently. And of course, I accepted a new position that was an answer to months and months of prayers. I am blessed by everything (and trust me, the above is not everything that happened) that God has provided, however, the year hasn't been all laughs and smiles.
I've stood next to friends as they've buried loved ones. I mourned the loss of my father's two best friends with him, and it strengthened our relationship. I lost touch with good friends. I faced stresses and trials at work beyond my own comprehension. I turned down a job that I thought was perfect for me. I've battled heartache, disappointment, and loss. I found myself going through the motions at times. I faced some of the demons from my past, and I revealed some of the skeletons in my closet. I learned that transparency, as difficult as it is, is the only thing that can heal the pain I still feel from all the things that have happened in the past. And, most importantly, I had to face the man I had become because of all these things. I'll be really honest, 2013 was a difficult year for me to look in the mirror. The stresses of my job, the disappointments in my professional and personal life, started to turn me into a man I didn't like. Thanks to my family, my friends/coworkers, and The Lord I was able to realize how much I didn't like the man I had become. You know, God has a funny way of revealing things to me too. Around the time I began to realize this about myself, I fell in love with a song that came on my computer at work one day. While I realize this song is probably written with the intent to be a love ballad from a man to a woman, I felt like God was using this song to serenade my soul. Go ahead and laugh if you think that's a silly concept, but it's true.
I Won't Give Up.
Jason Mraz released a song in 2012 that captured everything I needed to hear from God. That no matter what I was going through, no matter how much I had to learn, God would not give up on me. It became a comfort, each and every time I felt lonely, discouraged, defeated, downtrodden, or unsure of the future, I could play this song and it would lift my spirits. It would calm my nerves and remind me that God understands my journey, He understands my struggles, my fears, my trials, my failures and my uncertainty. He gives me space to be my own man, while still shaping me into the man He is calling me to be. He is also there to celebrate my triumphs (which are really HIS triumphs), share in my joy, love those I love, and smile when I smile. I have a much deeper appreciation of the personal relationship that Christ yearns to share with me, and that I will never fully deserve.
Culmination at it's finest.
The culmination of all of this, of the 365 days that according to our calendar composed the year 2013, was the new job that I begin on Monday. God uses every situation to teach me more about my faith, myself, and Him. There was a pivotal point in the 365 day journey of 2013. A moment where I decided to stop stressing about the money, the stress, the desire to change jobs, and the feelings of inadequacy. A moment where I finally handed everything to God and said "Father, I am not capable of doing this alone, whatever is Your Will be done, please". I spent the next few weeks giving of my time and finances in ways that previously, I had made excuses for why they weren't possible. From the worldly, financially responsible perspective I was probably making some silly decisions. From the Kingdom, Biblical, good steward of my resources, I was making the wisest investments of my life. That's when there was this second moment, where I hit my knees and cried out "Thank You Father! Thank you for teaching me about how to be a better man, a better disciple, and a son/friend/brother/coworker/employee/volunteer." That moment was a Tuesday morning, on Wednesday I revealed the moment of revelation, the changes to my giving, and the thankfulness with my Community with a Side of Bacon small group. We rejoiced together, we prayed for continued understanding and giving, and THEY encouraged me. On Thursday morning, I got a message at work asking me to call one of many, many people I had interviewed with. I called, and listened. He wanted to offer me a job, in fact, the offer would be in my Inbox within minutes. I could barely contain myself, I "played it cool and professional" by telling him I would review the offer and let him know. I hung up the phone, I sat down at my desk, and I cried. That's right, this job offer brought me to tears. Not because it was a lot of money, or my "dream job", at that point I didn't know what kind of money was being offered, and I still don't know what my "dream job" is. There were tears because God is good, God provides, and God loves. I not only got to learn valuable lessons, but now I was being blessed beyond words. It was as though, for the first time in many months, I felt... Appreciated. Worthy. Accomplished. I didn't feel those things because of the job itself, I felt those things because I had learned more than I could have asked for about myself. I became a better man in the search for this new job, and God provided the answer to a lot of prayers through this job offer.
2014.
I have one prayer for 2014, and one prayer alone. That prayer is to become better. Become a better man, a better friend, a better son, a better brother, a better roommate, a better coworker, a better Uncle, a better teacher, a better leader, a better volunteer, a better grandson, a better giver, a better mentor, and a better men-tee (is that really a word?). 2014 is going to hold it's fair share of challenges, trials, and triumphs. I will still face sin, fear, disappointment, discouragement, depression, anxiety, and failure. However, I will (hopefully) do it more gracefully, because thanks to 2013 I am stronger, because I was able to identify and relinquish control of more of my weakness and need for Christ to be my Savior. I have goals for this year, not resolutions:
1. Succeed in this job
2. Seek Christ more fervently
3. The general fitness and well-being goal (this is perpetual)
4. Devote more of myself to others
5. Focus more on living well
Grace and Peace
I started writing the annual "reflect on the past year/look forward to the new year" post for the last week. Each and every time I felt as though I was forcing it, or it didn't have my full attention. Tonight something is different, tonight I need to write this. I think that's because as of 3:30 pm today, the last two years of my professional life came to a close. In December of 2011 I began working for Cummins Emission Solutions. I worked with the Pricing Team for the last two years, and in the two years I have learned an incredible amount about business and myself. Now, you may be wondering why this is how I decided to begin writing this post, but you see it's because this new year, this new job, is the culmination of 365 days of God radically stretching me in ways I never dreamed possible.
This last year, I faced a lot of challenges and had a few triumphs. I began a small group of men that have become my Wednesday morning family. These are men that trusted me to lead them, and in turn have invested time, prayers, and energy into my life, my sin, my struggle, and my triumph. I traveled to Eastern Europe and made memories that will never leave me. I took a random trip to Florida with 3 great friends, I went to Gatlinburg with 6 of my best buds to celebrate a brother's marriage. I stood beside two of my dear friends as each of them married the women of their dreams. I moved into a new office building, which at first seemed like more of a headache than a blessing. Little did I know, that with that new office would come new friendships, friendships that have made me a better man, and saved me from myself on more than one occasion. I've gotten to celebrate new babies with many of my friends, and I've gotten to celebrate birthdays of cherished nieces, nephews, and my Goddaughter. I bought a new car (again), and I am thankful that it allows me to get from point A to point B so efficiently. And of course, I accepted a new position that was an answer to months and months of prayers. I am blessed by everything (and trust me, the above is not everything that happened) that God has provided, however, the year hasn't been all laughs and smiles.
I've stood next to friends as they've buried loved ones. I mourned the loss of my father's two best friends with him, and it strengthened our relationship. I lost touch with good friends. I faced stresses and trials at work beyond my own comprehension. I turned down a job that I thought was perfect for me. I've battled heartache, disappointment, and loss. I found myself going through the motions at times. I faced some of the demons from my past, and I revealed some of the skeletons in my closet. I learned that transparency, as difficult as it is, is the only thing that can heal the pain I still feel from all the things that have happened in the past. And, most importantly, I had to face the man I had become because of all these things. I'll be really honest, 2013 was a difficult year for me to look in the mirror. The stresses of my job, the disappointments in my professional and personal life, started to turn me into a man I didn't like. Thanks to my family, my friends/coworkers, and The Lord I was able to realize how much I didn't like the man I had become. You know, God has a funny way of revealing things to me too. Around the time I began to realize this about myself, I fell in love with a song that came on my computer at work one day. While I realize this song is probably written with the intent to be a love ballad from a man to a woman, I felt like God was using this song to serenade my soul. Go ahead and laugh if you think that's a silly concept, but it's true.
I Won't Give Up.
Jason Mraz released a song in 2012 that captured everything I needed to hear from God. That no matter what I was going through, no matter how much I had to learn, God would not give up on me. It became a comfort, each and every time I felt lonely, discouraged, defeated, downtrodden, or unsure of the future, I could play this song and it would lift my spirits. It would calm my nerves and remind me that God understands my journey, He understands my struggles, my fears, my trials, my failures and my uncertainty. He gives me space to be my own man, while still shaping me into the man He is calling me to be. He is also there to celebrate my triumphs (which are really HIS triumphs), share in my joy, love those I love, and smile when I smile. I have a much deeper appreciation of the personal relationship that Christ yearns to share with me, and that I will never fully deserve.
Culmination at it's finest.
The culmination of all of this, of the 365 days that according to our calendar composed the year 2013, was the new job that I begin on Monday. God uses every situation to teach me more about my faith, myself, and Him. There was a pivotal point in the 365 day journey of 2013. A moment where I decided to stop stressing about the money, the stress, the desire to change jobs, and the feelings of inadequacy. A moment where I finally handed everything to God and said "Father, I am not capable of doing this alone, whatever is Your Will be done, please". I spent the next few weeks giving of my time and finances in ways that previously, I had made excuses for why they weren't possible. From the worldly, financially responsible perspective I was probably making some silly decisions. From the Kingdom, Biblical, good steward of my resources, I was making the wisest investments of my life. That's when there was this second moment, where I hit my knees and cried out "Thank You Father! Thank you for teaching me about how to be a better man, a better disciple, and a son/friend/brother/coworker/employee/volunteer." That moment was a Tuesday morning, on Wednesday I revealed the moment of revelation, the changes to my giving, and the thankfulness with my Community with a Side of Bacon small group. We rejoiced together, we prayed for continued understanding and giving, and THEY encouraged me. On Thursday morning, I got a message at work asking me to call one of many, many people I had interviewed with. I called, and listened. He wanted to offer me a job, in fact, the offer would be in my Inbox within minutes. I could barely contain myself, I "played it cool and professional" by telling him I would review the offer and let him know. I hung up the phone, I sat down at my desk, and I cried. That's right, this job offer brought me to tears. Not because it was a lot of money, or my "dream job", at that point I didn't know what kind of money was being offered, and I still don't know what my "dream job" is. There were tears because God is good, God provides, and God loves. I not only got to learn valuable lessons, but now I was being blessed beyond words. It was as though, for the first time in many months, I felt... Appreciated. Worthy. Accomplished. I didn't feel those things because of the job itself, I felt those things because I had learned more than I could have asked for about myself. I became a better man in the search for this new job, and God provided the answer to a lot of prayers through this job offer.
2014.
I have one prayer for 2014, and one prayer alone. That prayer is to become better. Become a better man, a better friend, a better son, a better brother, a better roommate, a better coworker, a better Uncle, a better teacher, a better leader, a better volunteer, a better grandson, a better giver, a better mentor, and a better men-tee (is that really a word?). 2014 is going to hold it's fair share of challenges, trials, and triumphs. I will still face sin, fear, disappointment, discouragement, depression, anxiety, and failure. However, I will (hopefully) do it more gracefully, because thanks to 2013 I am stronger, because I was able to identify and relinquish control of more of my weakness and need for Christ to be my Savior. I have goals for this year, not resolutions:
1. Succeed in this job
2. Seek Christ more fervently
3. The general fitness and well-being goal (this is perpetual)
4. Devote more of myself to others
5. Focus more on living well
Grace and Peace
9.17.2013
What I didn't want to tell you...
It's been almost 3 solid months since I've actually written, no... posted, anything to this blog. I'd love to take the cop-out and say that it's because life has been grand, or that there hasn't been anything going on that I felt like I needed to write about... The truth is, there's been so much going on that I needed to write about that I didn't want to face the white screen that was awaiting words to be written across it. I didn't want to come to terms with the things that have happened, because a lot of them are difficult things to deal with. I've started probably 4 different posts in the last 3 months, and never finished them... not because they didn't need to be written, not because I wasn't motivated, but because the topics and the circumstances made me sad...
I started writing this blog almost 4 years ago... and the thought behind it, the purpose in writing was to create a place for me to think "out loud" and to fine tune my writing skills. Just over a year ago, that purpose changed along with the title of my blog. The purpose become to be transparent with others about what I was feeling and what God was teaching me. It was now no longer about me, but about what my life experiences could do to help others. From around the time this new purpose started to form, the end of August 2012, through the end of the year, my blog transformed. I was writing sometimes daily, at least weekly... I produced almost as many posts in that 3 months than I had in the 3 years prior. When I realized that today, it got me thinking... What was it that spurred so much transparency? What happened to that transparency? Had my faith lessened? Was I not growing?
So. Many. Questions.
I thought of probably 25-30 questions about what was different from last year to this year... and ultimately, I had to take a hard look at myself. I realized that my writing had become forced, because I was trying to censor what I was saying. Part of this was a result of the feedback I received (some good, some bad), part of it was society trying to tell me I had to be strong for everyone around me, because I'm a man... but mainly, it was me acting like a scared little boy. I got into this mindset that I needed to be this deep, theological writer for anyone to find value in what I was saying. I lost sight that I don't do this to glorify myself, but to glorify God, and that in order to do that, I have to be me. I was reminded of this by a devotion I read this morning, and then two blog posts by a fellow blogger. The first post by Los talked about getting back to the basics of knowing God, not just trusting the bloggers/authors/preachers/musicians we follow. It reminded me that I need to really wrestle with the reality of who God is on a daily basis. That was something I needed to read, because too often, I just take the opinion of others around me. The second post was about this filtered image we get of what others' lives look like from Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Vine, etc. I don't want to filter my life, I don't want to give a 90 second jaded, yet glorious glimpse of what my life looks like because the truth is... Even after giving my life to Christ, sometimes my life is hard. And sometimes, things in my life don't make sense. I want people to know that a relationship with Jesus doesn't mean the trials and the tribulations go away, it doesn't mean that you stop battling with lust, depression, self-confidence, pain, self-image, death, etc. It means you don't have to do it alone, it means that through everything God is with you, and in spite of all the bad things God is still sovereign. So hear it is, here's the deal on what's been going on... and what I haven't wanted to admit to you:
I'm sad/angry/confused about the deaths of my Pops' two best friends. John Norman and John Baute invested so much time, effort, love, lessons, and energy into my life that imagining going through future milestones without them there to celebrate sucks.
I'm worried about my Pops, my Mom, and the Baute and Norman families. There's nothing I can do or say that will heal the pain that we are all feeling... I feel helpless, and I can't help but hate that feeling.
I'm complacent within where I am in my career. Entering my third year of "post college career" I thought I'd be in a different place than where I am now. As much as I'm thankful I have a good job, I still feel like I missed the mark some days.
I'm still fighting the depression I faced for so long, some days I wake up and I'm sad... for no reason at all.
I'm still doubtful of the future, the present, and the path in between. There are still days I feel distant from God, and I know that's not the case... but it's there.
I'm still struggling with lust, and 100 other sins that I battle with on a regular basis. While I am saved and redeemed I am in no way righteous. I'm fully aware of that.
The funny thing is... not only have I not told you all those things, I also haven't told you some things about the beauty of what God is doing in my life:
I am confident that God will work in the lives of all those affected by the deaths of John Norman and John Baute. In fact, I've already seen it. My relationship with my father is stronger than ever. I was blessed with some quality time with the first friend I ever had even though the circumstances were less than desirable. I've seen a lot of people take a hard look at their lives, and re-prioritize.
I am made strong in my weakness. This helplessness I feel is a good thing, because it humbles me and allows me to realize that only God can heal the pain that my loved ones are feeling.
I am learning patience and trust. As difficult as it is to feel complacent, I know there's a reason. I know God's plan is greater than my own, and I know that He is trying to imprint Proverbs 19:21 into my life.
I am growing in my faith each and every day. I am tested with the battle of depression, and God strengthens me. Each time I get up and dust off the crap that the enemy cloaks me in on those days I feel depressed, I get another day farther away from that time in my life.
I am hopeful. While I am doubtful of the future, I am hopeful that God is going to do things that I won't be able to fathom, because I know that He's strong enough.
I am learning the importance of grace. I still don't understand God's grace, but I am so thankful that he forgives me every time I fall. I am redeemed each and every day.
Ultimately, I am learning that everything going on around me, the good and the bad, is going to glorify God. I'm going to continue to be strengthened and grow in my relationship with Him because I won't back down, and I won't give up. I'm done running and hiding from being transparent. I promised that these would be Words Through the Wreckage and that's exactly what they will be.
In the words of Carlos Whitaker... "It's better that way..."
Grace and Peace,
B
I started writing this blog almost 4 years ago... and the thought behind it, the purpose in writing was to create a place for me to think "out loud" and to fine tune my writing skills. Just over a year ago, that purpose changed along with the title of my blog. The purpose become to be transparent with others about what I was feeling and what God was teaching me. It was now no longer about me, but about what my life experiences could do to help others. From around the time this new purpose started to form, the end of August 2012, through the end of the year, my blog transformed. I was writing sometimes daily, at least weekly... I produced almost as many posts in that 3 months than I had in the 3 years prior. When I realized that today, it got me thinking... What was it that spurred so much transparency? What happened to that transparency? Had my faith lessened? Was I not growing?
So. Many. Questions.
I thought of probably 25-30 questions about what was different from last year to this year... and ultimately, I had to take a hard look at myself. I realized that my writing had become forced, because I was trying to censor what I was saying. Part of this was a result of the feedback I received (some good, some bad), part of it was society trying to tell me I had to be strong for everyone around me, because I'm a man... but mainly, it was me acting like a scared little boy. I got into this mindset that I needed to be this deep, theological writer for anyone to find value in what I was saying. I lost sight that I don't do this to glorify myself, but to glorify God, and that in order to do that, I have to be me. I was reminded of this by a devotion I read this morning, and then two blog posts by a fellow blogger. The first post by Los talked about getting back to the basics of knowing God, not just trusting the bloggers/authors/preachers/musicians we follow. It reminded me that I need to really wrestle with the reality of who God is on a daily basis. That was something I needed to read, because too often, I just take the opinion of others around me. The second post was about this filtered image we get of what others' lives look like from Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Vine, etc. I don't want to filter my life, I don't want to give a 90 second jaded, yet glorious glimpse of what my life looks like because the truth is... Even after giving my life to Christ, sometimes my life is hard. And sometimes, things in my life don't make sense. I want people to know that a relationship with Jesus doesn't mean the trials and the tribulations go away, it doesn't mean that you stop battling with lust, depression, self-confidence, pain, self-image, death, etc. It means you don't have to do it alone, it means that through everything God is with you, and in spite of all the bad things God is still sovereign. So hear it is, here's the deal on what's been going on... and what I haven't wanted to admit to you:
I'm sad/angry/confused about the deaths of my Pops' two best friends. John Norman and John Baute invested so much time, effort, love, lessons, and energy into my life that imagining going through future milestones without them there to celebrate sucks.
I'm worried about my Pops, my Mom, and the Baute and Norman families. There's nothing I can do or say that will heal the pain that we are all feeling... I feel helpless, and I can't help but hate that feeling.
I'm complacent within where I am in my career. Entering my third year of "post college career" I thought I'd be in a different place than where I am now. As much as I'm thankful I have a good job, I still feel like I missed the mark some days.
I'm still fighting the depression I faced for so long, some days I wake up and I'm sad... for no reason at all.
I'm still doubtful of the future, the present, and the path in between. There are still days I feel distant from God, and I know that's not the case... but it's there.
I'm still struggling with lust, and 100 other sins that I battle with on a regular basis. While I am saved and redeemed I am in no way righteous. I'm fully aware of that.
The funny thing is... not only have I not told you all those things, I also haven't told you some things about the beauty of what God is doing in my life:
I am confident that God will work in the lives of all those affected by the deaths of John Norman and John Baute. In fact, I've already seen it. My relationship with my father is stronger than ever. I was blessed with some quality time with the first friend I ever had even though the circumstances were less than desirable. I've seen a lot of people take a hard look at their lives, and re-prioritize.
I am made strong in my weakness. This helplessness I feel is a good thing, because it humbles me and allows me to realize that only God can heal the pain that my loved ones are feeling.
I am learning patience and trust. As difficult as it is to feel complacent, I know there's a reason. I know God's plan is greater than my own, and I know that He is trying to imprint Proverbs 19:21 into my life.
I am growing in my faith each and every day. I am tested with the battle of depression, and God strengthens me. Each time I get up and dust off the crap that the enemy cloaks me in on those days I feel depressed, I get another day farther away from that time in my life.
I am hopeful. While I am doubtful of the future, I am hopeful that God is going to do things that I won't be able to fathom, because I know that He's strong enough.
I am learning the importance of grace. I still don't understand God's grace, but I am so thankful that he forgives me every time I fall. I am redeemed each and every day.
Ultimately, I am learning that everything going on around me, the good and the bad, is going to glorify God. I'm going to continue to be strengthened and grow in my relationship with Him because I won't back down, and I won't give up. I'm done running and hiding from being transparent. I promised that these would be Words Through the Wreckage and that's exactly what they will be.
In the words of Carlos Whitaker... "It's better that way..."
Grace and Peace,
B
8.27.2013
A video that spurred reflection
I posted the video above to my Facebook profile yesterday. If you haven't watched it, go grab a box of tissues, and prepare yourself for the next 9 minutes... Go ahead, I'll wait.
Trusting that you all watched the above clip, I'll continue to the point of this post. I love the story of Fred and Lorraine, and I love that Green Shoe Studio decided to do something about it. I love it because of the passion that this 96 year old man put behind the simple lyrics of a song. I love it because I'm a writer, and sometimes being a writer causes me to try and perfect things with big words, and vivid imagery. Fred reminded me that sometimes, the most heartfelt writing, the best words, are those that are simple. He didn't write 6 verses, a chorus, a hook, etc. etc. He just simply wrote a few lines that he thought would honor his wife Lorraine, and honor is exactly what they brought to their relationship. I also love it, because Fred reminds me of my Grandpa Don.
Grandpa Don is celebrating a birthday today... in Heaven. It's been almost 14 years since passed away, and yet, I still remember the things he taught me, whether he meant too or not. One of the biggest lessons he taught me, was how to love others. The love my Grandpa had for Grandma Paige was unrivaled. I had never seen anything like it, the way he lit up when she entered a room, and how she could command his attention no matter what else was going on around them. They set an example for our entire family. Grandma and Grandpa shared something special, something that is becoming more and more rare these days unfortunately. The best way to describe it, and to take a lesson from Fred, simply said they shared unconditional love. I could write a really long post, with tons of huge, flowery, vibrant words.. but they wouldn't do it justice. Unconditional love is what they shared between each other, and for everyone they encountered. I am so thankful that I can look back on their example, and know that that's truly what love looks like. I'm thankful that a part of Grandpa Don lives on in me, and I pray that one day I get to experience the same unconditional love with my wife.
Thank you, Fred for reminding me of the greatest lesson that Grandpa Don ever taught me.
and Thank you, Grandpa Don... for loving Grandma Paige, and all the rest of us unconditionally. I love you, and I miss you. Happy Birthday Grandpa.
Grace and Peace
6.24.2013
Imagery of the Glory of the Lord
Did you think I had forgotten you?
Don't worry, I'm still here... I've just been on a bit of a hiatus from writing. The funny thing is, I kept trying to justify this hiatus by telling myself, and others, that it was because I was focusing on building relationships face to face. When in actuality, I was at a dead sprint running from all things that cause conviction. I had started to drift again, I don't think it was intentional on my part. I think I just started allowing everything else to be an idol. My job owned me. My bills, my timelines, my home, my car, my friends, and my goals that I was convinced I would achieve only through hard work (on my own, mind you) consumed me. There wasn't any time left after all of those things were attended too. If I am completely vulnerable, as I promised I would be on this blog, I left no time for Jesus. I am the only one at fault for this, I was just so..... tired. I was tired of trying to maintain things, and even though I'm always telling other people our strength comes from The Lord, I wasn't listening to myself. So I just ran.... and I ran... and I ran which made me more and more tired. In the last month I have dealt with every emotion possible, and it all accumulated to a meltdown two weeks ago during first service.
I was sitting in the back row, next to my parents at CCC during first service. Looking back the entire thing was completely a God moment. First off, because I usually am at the church for 2nd Service and then later that night for Youth Group, lately I haven't been getting up for 1st service, the fact that I did was the start of some awesome things God was going to do for me. The songs that morning during worship were right on point. I started to feel the weight and stress of everything from the last month was too heavy and I couldn't hold it anymore. Then, right before we started the last song, they mentioned that if anyone would like to come to the alter and lay it all before The Lord they were welcome too. We started to sing Rescue, and I looked over at my Dad and saw the tears streaming down his face. I could see the weight of the world lifting from his shoulders. His breathing was different, as though he was relieved from the pressure and pain. I could tell he was thinking about John, one of his best friends who passed away a few weeks ago. It was in that moment that I decided to go forward, to pray for Pops. However, what I didn't know, was that going forward wasn't just for my Dad, it was for me as well. I don't allow myself to be humbled and taken to my knees before The Lord as often as I used too... but that Sunday morning I couldn't stand up under the weight of the last month any longer and I collapsed. I bowed my head and I cried out to God to be rescued from the anger, the pain, the sadness, the loneliness, the misdirection, and the lack of motivation. I asked for forgiveness for running from God, for not creating time for Him. I laid it all down on the alter that morning.
And as always, My Rescuer was there to pull me from the depths. Except, God didn't just rescue me, He restored me. The last two weeks I have had conversations that have done nothing but affirm the work that God is doing in my heart. Everything from conversations during morning runs with dear friends to phone calls with people I hardly know have been completely God breathed. I was in awe of what He was doing to help me feel restored in Him. Next thing I knew, it was the end of the week... Friday afternoon I hopped in the Jeep and headed down to Spring Hill Camps for the college age retreat. Top down, wind in my face, not a care in the world, I was ready for some relaxation and some fun. This retreat was planned to be a kickoff for the college aged ministry, I was just there to help. It was just supposed to be a weekend to get to know some of the college students in our church. For me, it ended up being so much more than that. After arriving to the camp, and driving around a few times (I may or may not have gotten a little lost...) I parked the Jeep by the entrance to help direct the rest of our group where to go (You know, because if someone as directionally intelligent as me could get lost, everyone else was in trouble...ha). I knew I had a little time to wait before anyone arrived, so I grabbed the little pocket sized Bible out of my glove box and started to flip through it. I turned to Ezekiel and realized I had never read the book of Ezekiel all the way through, in fact, I knew virtually nothing of what this book contained. So I started reading, and decided over the next few weeks I would walk through this book and see what I could learn. I mean, from the very beginning, during Ezekiel's "inaugural vision" (my Bible gives cool headlines), the way that the Spirit of The Lord appears to Ezekiel during this vision is so mind-blowing that I've read and re-read it at least a dozen times since that Friday.
In fact, I don't usually do this... but I'm going to copy and paste it here:
Don't worry, I'm still here... I've just been on a bit of a hiatus from writing. The funny thing is, I kept trying to justify this hiatus by telling myself, and others, that it was because I was focusing on building relationships face to face. When in actuality, I was at a dead sprint running from all things that cause conviction. I had started to drift again, I don't think it was intentional on my part. I think I just started allowing everything else to be an idol. My job owned me. My bills, my timelines, my home, my car, my friends, and my goals that I was convinced I would achieve only through hard work (on my own, mind you) consumed me. There wasn't any time left after all of those things were attended too. If I am completely vulnerable, as I promised I would be on this blog, I left no time for Jesus. I am the only one at fault for this, I was just so..... tired. I was tired of trying to maintain things, and even though I'm always telling other people our strength comes from The Lord, I wasn't listening to myself. So I just ran.... and I ran... and I ran which made me more and more tired. In the last month I have dealt with every emotion possible, and it all accumulated to a meltdown two weeks ago during first service.
I was sitting in the back row, next to my parents at CCC during first service. Looking back the entire thing was completely a God moment. First off, because I usually am at the church for 2nd Service and then later that night for Youth Group, lately I haven't been getting up for 1st service, the fact that I did was the start of some awesome things God was going to do for me. The songs that morning during worship were right on point. I started to feel the weight and stress of everything from the last month was too heavy and I couldn't hold it anymore. Then, right before we started the last song, they mentioned that if anyone would like to come to the alter and lay it all before The Lord they were welcome too. We started to sing Rescue, and I looked over at my Dad and saw the tears streaming down his face. I could see the weight of the world lifting from his shoulders. His breathing was different, as though he was relieved from the pressure and pain. I could tell he was thinking about John, one of his best friends who passed away a few weeks ago. It was in that moment that I decided to go forward, to pray for Pops. However, what I didn't know, was that going forward wasn't just for my Dad, it was for me as well. I don't allow myself to be humbled and taken to my knees before The Lord as often as I used too... but that Sunday morning I couldn't stand up under the weight of the last month any longer and I collapsed. I bowed my head and I cried out to God to be rescued from the anger, the pain, the sadness, the loneliness, the misdirection, and the lack of motivation. I asked for forgiveness for running from God, for not creating time for Him. I laid it all down on the alter that morning.
And as always, My Rescuer was there to pull me from the depths. Except, God didn't just rescue me, He restored me. The last two weeks I have had conversations that have done nothing but affirm the work that God is doing in my heart. Everything from conversations during morning runs with dear friends to phone calls with people I hardly know have been completely God breathed. I was in awe of what He was doing to help me feel restored in Him. Next thing I knew, it was the end of the week... Friday afternoon I hopped in the Jeep and headed down to Spring Hill Camps for the college age retreat. Top down, wind in my face, not a care in the world, I was ready for some relaxation and some fun. This retreat was planned to be a kickoff for the college aged ministry, I was just there to help. It was just supposed to be a weekend to get to know some of the college students in our church. For me, it ended up being so much more than that. After arriving to the camp, and driving around a few times (I may or may not have gotten a little lost...) I parked the Jeep by the entrance to help direct the rest of our group where to go (You know, because if someone as directionally intelligent as me could get lost, everyone else was in trouble...ha). I knew I had a little time to wait before anyone arrived, so I grabbed the little pocket sized Bible out of my glove box and started to flip through it. I turned to Ezekiel and realized I had never read the book of Ezekiel all the way through, in fact, I knew virtually nothing of what this book contained. So I started reading, and decided over the next few weeks I would walk through this book and see what I could learn. I mean, from the very beginning, during Ezekiel's "inaugural vision" (my Bible gives cool headlines), the way that the Spirit of The Lord appears to Ezekiel during this vision is so mind-blowing that I've read and re-read it at least a dozen times since that Friday.
In fact, I don't usually do this... but I'm going to copy and paste it here:
"As I looked, I saw a great storm coming from the north, driving before it a huge cloud that flashed with lightning and shone with brilliant light. There was fire inside the cloud, and in the middle of the fire glowed something like gleaming amber.[d] 5 From the center of the cloud came four living beings that looked human, 6 except that each had four faces and four wings. 7 Their legs were straight, and their feet had hooves like those of a calf and shone like burnished bronze. 8 Under each of their four wings I could see human hands. So each of the four beings had four faces and four wings. 9 The wings of each living being touched the wings of the beings beside it. Each one moved straight forward in any direction without turning around.
10 Each had a human face in the front, the face of a lion on the right side, the face of an ox on the left side, and the face of an eagle at the back. 11 Each had two pairs of outstretched wings—one pair stretched out to touch the wings of the living beings on either side of it, and the other pair covered its body. 12 They went in whatever direction the spirit chose, and they moved straight forward in any direction without turning around.
13 The living beings looked like bright coals of fire or brilliant torches, and lightning seemed to flash back and forth among them. 14 And the living beings darted to and fro like flashes of lightning.
15 As I looked at these beings, I saw four wheels touching the ground beside them, one wheel belonging to each. 16 The wheels sparkled as if made of beryl. All four wheels looked alike and were made the same; each wheel had a second wheel turning crosswise within it.17 The beings could move in any of the four directions they faced, without turning as they moved. 18 The rims of the four wheels were tall and frightening, and they were covered with eyes all around.19 When the living beings moved, the wheels moved with them. When they flew upward, the wheels went up, too. 20 The spirit of the living beings was in the wheels. So wherever the spirit went, the wheels and the living beings also went. 21 When the beings moved, the wheels moved. When the beings stopped, the wheels stopped. When the beings flew upward, the wheels rose up, for the spirit of the living beings was in the wheels. 22 Spread out above them was a surface like the sky, glittering like crystal. 23 Beneath this surface the wings of each living being stretched out to touch the others’ wings, and each had two wings covering its body. 24 As they flew, their wings sounded to me like waves crashing against the shore or like the voice of the Almighty[e] or like the shouting of a mighty army. When they stopped, they let down their wings. 25 As they stood with wings lowered, a voice spoke from beyond the crystal surface above them. 26 Above this surface was something that looked like a throne made of blue lapis lazuli. And on this throne high above was a figure whose appearance resembled a man. 27 From what appeared to be his waist up, he looked like gleaming amber, flickering like a fire. And from his waist down, he looked like a burning flame, shining with splendor. 28 All around him was a glowing halo, like a rainbow shining in the clouds on a rainy day. This is what the glory of the Lord looked like to me. When I saw it, I fell face down on the ground, and I heard someone’s voice speaking to me."
There aren't even words to describe what an amazing description this is. Up to this point in reading, all I knew about Ezekiel is that he's a Hebrew Prophet, I did a little research and found that Ezekiel means "God will strengthen" and I would imagine that having the Spirit of the Lord reveal himself to you in the way God revealed himself to Ezekiel would surely strengthen even the weakest of souls. It's such a vivid and beautiful image that Ezekiel paints from his vision. However, personally it's one of the last lines that I love the most "This is what the glory of the LORD looked like to me". You see, throughout scripture the Glory of the Lord looks different to many different people. For me, recently, the glory of the Lord as come in the form of the community I belong too, my small group, my friends, my family. I came to the realization this morning that I have been praying for 25-foot doves, for the Spirit of the Lord to come riding in on a chariot of fire, just like Ezekiel saw. God doesn't do things the obvious way though. No, God doesn't always reveal Himself to us in huge, billboard-esque images. Sometimes, God reveals himself and rescues us in the quiet. It's better that way.
Grace and Peace
Grace and Peace
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