Perfect Fear...

I've been struggling the last week and a half or so, more than usual. However I'm not struggling with the usual things, which is bittersweet. I'm struggling with fear. Fear that I'm not going to achieve my best, that what I want to accomplish will either not come full circle, or that it won't be perfect. I, just like any other graduate, want to find the perfect job, in the perfect city, near the perfect Church, with the perfect group of friends, so that I can define myself as successful after college graduation. This whole notion of "perfection" is new to me, normally I'm pretty okay with being above average, to the point that I’m complacent. In fact, my obsession with perfection and it being the defining characteristic of my success is quite the opposite of how I have lived my life thus far. I am successfully going to graduate college, I have had a successful college career, yet for the most part... my grades have been just above average. While I always strive to do better, often times not sticking with the "study plan" I lay out for myself, I have always been overall happy with my performance in classes. Could I have done better? I'm sure I could have, but I know that I did well and I realize that the things I have learned outside of the classroom have made up for the things I didn't learn inside, mainly because of this blog and twitter/facebook/texting. All of these thoughts have been cultivated in the depths of my soul without me realizing it. It took a blog post by a guy I read daily (well... almost..) to really draw them out and make them apparent to me.

Perfectionism isn't necessary. To quote the author of the blog Stuff Christians Like "90% perfect and published always changes more lives than 100% perfect and stuck in your head."- Jon Acuff.. this sums up everything I'm saying, well, perfectly. It doesn't just relate to my writing this blog, although I do shy away from writing a lot of things for reasons even I don't understand. I took it to mean that dreaming about a perfect life is fine. Acting on your dreams to change the world, write a book, or travel international is the only way you can impact people. Acting on it may not yield the exact results you dreamt of, but it’s better than doing nothing. It led me to realize that I don't need to have everything be perfect. I want to experience life, I want something new when I graduate, I want to reach others, show Jesus' love and compassion daily, and make just enough money to pay the bills, tithe, and visit friends and family. So why am I so concerned with finding the perfect job? I already know what city I want to go to, so what's stopping me?? I know that that city contains AMAZING friends, and extended family. In fact, that city is where my favorite blogger @jonacuff currently resides. I'm tired of being fearful of making a mistake, or that what I want to share will fall short of glory. Instead of trying to perfect everything without taking any chances, I'm taking a chance. I made a decision. It may only be 90% perfect, but it will be out there, it will be real, in a sense it will be published.

I'm moving after I graduate. I have spoken of this many times, and few people know how confident I am in this decision but here it is. I am moving to Nashville, TN. I have two job interviews there on Monday. I'm spending the weekend with some amazing people and doing some apartment hunting. I have felt this pull on my heart for the last year to move to Nashville ever since I met Mike and Amy. I love the area, and I love the opportunity. Is it going to be perfect? Not. At. All. In fact I'm probably going to struggle at first, being in a new city with about 8 friends to start with. I don't know what job I will have, but I know it will be one in which God can use me. I know that it won't be perfect, I won't be perfect, but God's plan for me is perfect. I can dream as much as I want, but if I don't act it will impact no one. However, if I act and say... 90% of those dreams become reality, or culminate into what I had hoped they would, I could impact the world. I want to be a life changer, I want to wake up every morning hit my knees and know that God will prepare my heart for the day. So after I return from Ethiopia, I'm leaving. The only thing that will stop me is if God gives me a definitive answer to go somewhere else. I just want to follow my heart and God’s plan, which I am fully aware don’t always match up. In that instance I will follow God’s plan, but just like with my dreams, if I don’t take action… I have no impact. I don’t know if this all makes sense, and I’m not sure that anyone will read it. But I know that based on what Jon Acuff wrote, the only way to know is to hit publish at the bottom of this blog. This post isn’t perfect, it may not even be 90%, but that’s okay. Maybe someone will read it and realize they feel the same way. Maybe someone will strike up a conversation with me about it, and we can move forward into uncertainty as brothers/sisters in Christ. Maybe… just Maybe, my fear of perfect was a perfect fear. It’s what led me to realize that I don’t need perfection, I just need to take action.

Grace and Peace