Do Better

At 11:30 today I received a phone call. I was sitting at my desk at work, in my Halloween costume no less, when a dear family member called to inform me that my great-grandmother, Mammaw, had passed away. Initially I was in shock, and panic. Carrie, my cousin that called, couldn't get ahold of her husband to let him know what had happened. Chris and I work in the same building, I didn't even have time to process what I had just heard... I needed to find Chris so he could call Carrie, and then go to be with her. Even after getting ahold of him, I was rushing around trying to figure out what is next. Whether I should leave work, or stay. If I had any time off, if my sister knew, how my Dad was handling things, how my grandmother was handling things... I didn't take any time to handle things myself. Then a co-worker asked me a question... they asked if she lived close by. The answer to that question was like a punch in the stomach...

A few months ago is the last time I saw Mammaw... despite being ill for quite some time, she had made it out of the house to come listen to me preach. It was that day, that she asked me to come and visit her more often... and when my sister was home to bring her with me as well. Naturally, I told her I would do both. That punch in the stomach was because... I lied. I didn't go and visit... and I didn't take Stephanie to see her when she was home in September. All I can think about is how many times she mentioned me coming to visit, and how many opportunities I never took. The sad thing is, if I wanted it to be, her house is on my way home. Some of you are probably wondering why I'm admitting this to you... well, it's part of my process. You see, as a writer I hold certain convictions that I will not only hold others accountable for the lessons God gives me, but also to hold myself accountable. In the last few weeks I have been spending a lot of time writing and talking about being intentional about being relational. I've missed the mark in a huge way. I realize that I'm not perfect, and there's no way that I can give the right amount of time to each and every relationship in my life. However, I also realize how selfish I've been lately. There's been numerous times in the last two months (and more) that I have taken the afternoon off early, and I could have easily gone to visit Mammaw. Instead I was too focused on spending time at home, at the church goofing around, or with someone that there was an interest in. I was being selfish, because those things satisfied me... and yet, I was talking to other people about being selfless...

I want to make sure everyone understands I'm not looking for sympathy through this... I'm seeking accountability. My life needs some prioritizing in order to be sure that I don't miss opportunities to tell those that I love, how much I really care. I'd like to say that it's only because I was busy, and that if there were more hours in the day I would have made it over there... but I can't say that with 100% confidence that it's true. I do know that things need to change, that I need to make more of an effort to spend time with my family, all of my family. I am at a loss for emotion at this point, minus the anger and hope. I text a brother of mine and told him what I was struggling with, the guilt and the anger.. and told him why. His response was this: "Ask the Lord for forgiveness, repent, do better. I'll pray for peace brother". It's as simple as that friends, I need to ask God for forgiveness for my selfish nature, repent from that, and do better. Do better. Two words that carry a whole lot of weight with them. I'm tired of being mediocre, and I'm tired of being selfish. It's time for me.. to do better.

Grace and Peace