Matthew 22:39

Running.A.Marathon

Now, you are probably all laughing while thinking about me running a marathon, in fact, I'm laughing about it myself. That's not what the opening phrase is referring too though. Lately, I have been running and in this situation I feel like the Flash (Bazinga!). That's not a good thing. I have been running from a huge burden in my life. A burden that has been hurting me terribly since I returned from Ethiopia and allowed myself to fall back into the ways of the world. I haven't talked to anyone about what's been going on in this area of my life, so if you are reading this and wondering what it is I'm talking about, and you find yourself upset that I haven't come to you about this, I apologize. However, you are not alone, because literally no one knew about this until Friday. In fact, the first time I have even alluded to the struggle was Thursday afternoon... so hang on tight because this is going to be an emotional ride (for me at least).

Walk.To.Emmaus.

I can't tell you anything about this weekend, as far as specific details go. I can tell you that saying that this weekend was life-changing is an understatement. I laughed, I cried, I prayed, I was in fellowship with a large group of Christian men, and I was transformed. Before I left I had two very important conversations with two very important people. I mentioned to each of these friends that I knew that while I was gone for three days I would have to face some big sins, and face God and myself. That terrified me. I had no idea how difficult it would actually be. I had no idea just how heavy this burden was on me.

Then.It.Happened.

Friday night I had this amazing experience with Christ. During a moment before bed, something just hit me and the weight of everything just came crashing down. I finally had to face what I had been running from for the last 11 months. So I removed my glasses, bowed my head, and began to weep. I called out to Christ and confessed what was bothering me. I had finally hit my breaking point and it was time to come clean.

I.didnt.love.myself.

There it is. That was what had been separating me from God for almost a year. I didn't love myself, and I didn't know how to love myself. I had been so unhappy with my physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental being that I was beginning to look at myself with disgust. Now, let me clarify, at no point had I become depressed, I was just at the point where I could not find joy in myself at all, all of my joy was coming from other people/places. I was at a point where looking in the mirror was a terrible way to start my day. So I asked Christ to restore me, to change the way I feel about myself, and teach me to love myself. You see, I love Christ and I understand that Christ loves me. I have felt the love of Christ, but I didn't understand it. I couldn't figure out how a God so perfect could love someone so wretched. Over the last few months I had noticed a trend occurring in my life. There are a group of people, that I tell that I love them on a weekly, almost daily basis, because I do. These people reciprocated my love, and while I knew that they meant it, I didn't understand why. I began to question why anyone outside of my family could love me, when I couldn't love myself. Sitting there Friday night I began to pray.."Why, God, why? Why can't I love myself, why do you love me, how can others love me, what's next???" While I was praying, weeping, and praying some more, one of the team members came up and asked if I wanted to talk. I poured my heart out to this man that I didn't even know (the funny thing is, I couldn't see him either, no glasses and my eyes were flooded with tears) but I told him everything about how I was feeling. He prayed for me, and I felt the weight begin to lift. I continued to pray into the night, and I continued to cry. The next day I confessed my burden to some other people, I listened to God begin to speak, and for the first time in a very long time I looked and in a mirror and smiled at my own reflection. Not because I am particularly good looking, but because I finally had made peace with Christ, and battle the beast.

Love.Thy.Neighbor.


If you recall, the last blog I put up was about being more intentional in being relational. I realized my excuses in regards to time weren't the only problems I was facing, I was having difficulty loving my neighbors (in this case being relational) because I couldn't love myself. Matthew 22:39 says "Love your neighbor as you love yourself" that's pretty hard to do when you don't love yourself. I realized that the reason I was skipping out on things, spending more time at home in front of the TV, and not acting much like myself was because I couldn't love myself. That all changed this weekend. I was reminded that I am a child of God, and while I may not be anything special, God created me in His image, and Christ thinks I'm worthy of His own life. That means more than I ever understood before this weekend. I began to realize that while there is always room for improvement, because we are works in progress, it didn't definitively mean that I was unworthy of love. In fact, after this weekend, I feel more loved than I ever have in my entire life. Christ lit a fire in my heart, a fire that had burned out over time, a fire in which my love for Christ, was kindled by the love for myself, which then fueled my ability to love others. I am thankful beyond words for what Christ did for me this weekend. Of course it doesn't stop there, but that's another story. I am renewewd in Christ, and renewed in the love I have for myself.

Get.ready.to.read.

I learned a lot this weekend. There is more to be said on the above revelation, but to be honest I am exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally (which I may have already said). Stay tuned though, one of the things I got out of this weekend was rethinking my priorities. Writing needs to become a higher priority, because it allows me to put my thoughts into words, and it allows me to share with my brothers and sisters in Christ, what is on my heart. I love you.

Grace and Peace