Tell me who I am...

I want to start this by explaining why things are going in the direction that they are. Yesterday's post, today's post, and a few more posts coming in the future are going to be some serious looks at a few of my downfalls and struggles in life. The reason for this, is that I feel the need to be transparent with you (the reader), with God and with myself. One of the many reasons I write is to process my own thoughts and feelings and to be more open with God. However, in doing that I feel like I haven't been as transparent as I need to be. I don't ever want to give the impression that I have things figured out, because... I don't. I don't want to come across as seeming as though I don't have my own struggles and faults, because quite frankly, I have a lot of them. This is going to get real, and  honest, and deep. My goal is to shed some light on my salvation in Christ Jesus. To give an inside look at just how great it is to be redeemed in the Lord, even when you are a wretched sinner like myself. So there it is... let's do it.

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One of my biggest struggles as a Christian, and as a man is finding my self worth. I have always had trouble figuring out who I am in the eyes of God... mainly because I never understood how a God so perfect, could love someone so... imperfect. Over the years of writing this blog I have touched on a few of my imperfections in a brief way... and I've always talked about how I pray to be broken. The funny thing about that prayer, is that I am broken, I've been broken all along. I become whole, and restored the day I allowed God to capture my heart. Now... I'll be really honest in this next statement and tell you-- that didn't happen when I was 18. I always thought that I was saved at a church camp when I was 18, but when I look back on it... I don't think it was really the defining moment in my salvation. Now, that doesn't mean it wasn't a turning point, but even though I was ready to know God, I wasn't ready for Him to know me. I wasn't ready to change my life for Him, even though I pretended like I was. The reason for that is that I had all these thoughts that were misnomers about who I am. I couldn't see the grace that was slapping me in the face. I was cold to the warm embrace of Christ Jesus...

These feelings have fluctuated over the years, and I know that's something that is never going to go away. Each day I will battle with myself over finding my self worth in Christ, the way I should. Some days I wake up and immediately praise Him for my life, for who He has created me to be, and what He's going to do on that day. Other days I wake up and think... "What are you doing God, what's the point of all of this? Who I am? Why do you care?"... that's a hard and terrible way to start your day. Now, let me add here that this has greatly improved over the last 3 years. These days are fewer than they use to be, and the feelings of self-doubt are not as serious... but they are still present. The enemy is always there, waiting to attack me on those days. he tries to tell me I'm worthless, that there's no need for God because a God that perfect couldn't love someone so wretched. he tells me I'm not where I should be, that if I would do things differently I would be farther along in life. he tells me there's not a girl out there for me, that I won't get married and I won't get to be a father one day. he tells me lies constantly. Some days, unfortunately, I listen to the enemy. I am beaten and bruised by his words and I lose sight of grace. However, each and every day God teaches me something new, that helps to make those bad days happen less often. He takes hold of my heart and moves me into a place where I can see grace from 100 miles away. Each day I am restored and redeemed just by being His child. The days that I focus on THOSE things, are the days that the enemy can't come near me, and it makes it harder for the enemy to reach me on the bad days....

You might be wondering where all this is coming from? I promise I'm not having one of the bad days, today is actually a great day. Last night, during a class I co-lead at church, we showed a music video to the kids. This is the first time I've seen this video, but it hit home with me in a big way. I love the message that follows the lyrics, and what's portrayed in the video. This song sums up exactly what this post is about. I need God to remind me who I am. I need Him to remind me, sometimes daily, who I am to Him. Knowing that I belong to Him is something that can change my entire day. Do me a favor, take a few minutes, and watch the video below... watch it once and just listen to the words. Then, watch it again and pay close attention to the words the people are holding up. Pray that God will remind you of who you are. If you have been feeling rejected, lost, broken, empty, cheated... find redemption in Christ's love for you. We are children of GOD. He loves us more than we could ever imagine, so much that He had His only Son die a brutal and painful death, so that we could be redeemed. I love what Jason Gray says towards the end of this song... "I'm the one You love, I'm the one You love, that will be enough".

Today's prayer: Tell me, Lord, once again, who I am.

Grace and Peace