To Save a Life...

There's something I haven't told you...

There's something, I haven't really told anyone. I have alluded to this truth in the past through posts like The Great Rescue and An early morning beating.... Over the last 10 years, I have wondered when it would be time to share this part of my story, when the transparency I have allowed would no longer be enough. After last night, I realized it's time. Please forgive me for not sharing this with you sooner.. I believe God has a purpose for this story, and I believe that purpose could not be fulfilled until this precise moment.

Overwhelming.Despair.

When I was 14, my life was... intolerable. I was a misfit, I was lonely, and I was lost. I felt secluded, often times because seclusion was easier than facing people. I was bullied... 10 years ago it was considered "boys being boys". I was mocked, made fun of, torn down, and desperate. It came to a point, where I was finally tired of living. I had no will to fight it anymore, life had no value. The enemy was so present in my life, and had caused me to run so far from God, that I couldn't even figure out where I was. I would lay in bed at night and wonder what the point was, wonder why God didn't care. Why wasn't I better at sports? Why didn't people like me? Why did my "friends" make fun of me? Why were people so cruel? Why should I live? How could anyone love me? I had literally lost all hope. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know who to turn too... because at 14 I was convinced that my parents wouldn't understand, that no one would understand, that I was the only person that felt that way. I remember writing down my thoughts in our family's old gateway computer that was in my room. I would write horrible things about not wanting to live, not wanting to be a part of this world... and then, one night... it came crashing down in a way I couldn't believe. I laid in bed that night, and starting thinking of ways to end everything. My thoughts were grim, dark, desperate, and... suicidal. That night, I went to the computer and sat down to put my thoughts onto the screen. Little did I know, God was right there with me, through all of it. There was something keeping me from making a horrible decision that night. As I've said before, when I started writing, every keystroke was like removing a penny from the thousands of dollars that were crushing my soul. I felt a weight lift from me, I felt something greater pushing me to fight... and yet, I still didn't believe God was there. That night, at 14 years old... I didn't make the wrong decision, because if I had... I wouldn't be writing this today. It wasn't a choice not to end my life, it was a rescue from God for my life to have meaning. I didn't get it when I was 14, I didn't get the God thing at all... but I started to see a change. One person at school started to be nice to me, I started to find my niche, I started to fit in. I started to see that my live had meaning and purpose... and that there was something more. I had hope again. I can't pinpoint when things started to change, because it was a gradual process, but not a day goes by that I am not thankful that I didn't take my life...

To.Save.A.Life.

Some of you may be wondering why I'm talking about this now, why would I come forward after 10 years and write openly on the internet about the fact that 10 years ago, I considered ending my own life... I write these words now, because it matters. It's a part of my story I can't run from. It's something that needs to be told, because there are teens who are just like I was, that need to know that things get better. It's not an instantaneous fix. I fought darkness and depression for years after... and even now there are bad days. However, since that night, since God rescued me from myself... I've never once considered ending my life. Last night, we had the To Save A Life Movie event at Yes! Cinema. This was done In Memory of Avery and Mary, two local students that took their own lives. Two beautiful teenagers, that couldn't see their rescue, that couldn't regain their hope, and that lost their lives to tragedy. Last night, I would say about 300 people of so came out to watch this movie that really hits home for me. It brings serious light to the tragic epidemic that teen suicide. I saw students, parents, and leaders in our community leave theaters with tears in their eyes and I prayed that we would start to see a change. That this event would be impactful, because.. well... I'm one of the lucky ones. I was able to see my rescue, I was able to find new hope, and it only took one smile, one message, one hello, one friend to show me that my life had value. 10 years later, I have battled with self-image, loving myself, and confidence over and over. Everytime, I come out a little stronger, loving myself a little more, and much more confident. At 24 years old, I have a great job, my own house, amazing friends, the same two amazing parents (only now I know they understand me), a church that I call home, a purpose, and most importantly, a relationship with my Savior. It took 10 long years to get where I am, but every moment was worth living. Life is not always easy, but it's always worth it. I have pursued The Father with more passion in the last year than I have in the 23 preceding it. I am made new each day in Christ, and I have a new hope each morning that God will continue to mold me into who I am called to be.

You.Are.Not.Alone.

Some of you may relate better with the first part of this post, as opposed to the second. I get that, that's why this was written. I want you to know, that you are not alone. I've been where you are, and while times are different now, the pain isn't any more difficult to deal with. Please hear me when I say, you have a purpose, your life has meaning and value, and you matter. If nothing else, I care about you. Because I know what it feels like to be lost and broken, I know what despair looks like, and I know that one person can make a difference. I'm willing to be that difference. If you need someone to talk too, don't hesitate to get ahold of me. As for those of you that relate better to the second part of this post. Let's start investing in lives of others. I know that investments can be risky, but they can also be fruitful beyond our wildest imagination. Be the difference in someone's life. Don't allow loneliness to arrest someone's soul, help them to break free from the despair. Give a smile, a hello, a helping hand, eat lunch with someone who eats alone, hang out with someone that seems to be by themselves all the time... take it from someone that's been there, it makes a difference. Do what it takes... To Save A Life.

Grace and Peace,

B