Very rarely am I at a loss for words when it comes to what's going on, my opinions, or just daily thoughts. However, so many things have happened in the last week or so I don't even know where to begin. I do know that God moved in a huge way this past weekend. The conversations He sparked, the dreams He rekindled, and the memories He created were exactly what I needed... and of course, He knew that. Before I tell you THAT story, let me go back a little farther and start from the beginning...
I have noticed a change in myself, I don't know if it's growing up or just being more focused on the things that matter, but there has been a huge change. A few weeks ago I started running, I wanted to lose weight, feel better about myself. I didn't even consider what God was going to do with my runs, to be honest, I didn't even think about the fact that He would be present. Lucky for me, He used a dear friend, one of my best friends, one that I consider like a little sister to help me. Not only did Hayli start running with me, we started using our morning (yes, we get up and run in the morning BEFORE work) runs to have conversations about all kinds of topics. I love who Hayli has become, and I am incredibly thankful for her. In a previous post I wrote about how the tables had turned and it was now Hayli that was giving me advice, and that hasn't changed a bit. But not only does she give me advice or opinions, she asks me for my opinions, and we have had some really cool conversations. What this has to do with what's happening now started sometime about a two weeks ago I believe. I was talking to Hayli about the fact that I hadn't been sleeping at night, I was restless and couldn't shut my brain off. This is not a new problem for me, it happens every few months or so, but Hayli asked me a question that no one else had asked before. Not only did she ask about work stress or personal stress (both things she knew the answer too) but she asked if anything was inherently different in my Spiritual life. That's when it hit me, things hadn't necessarily been different, but that was the problem. I was again allowing my faith and my time with God to fall by the wayside. I thought a lot about it that day and that evening... I told God that I wanted to refocus on my relationship with Him, I wanted Him to be in control of all aspects of my life, and I was tired of being tired. Then God did what He does, and calmed my soul. He put a peace on my heart and gave me much needed rest. I slept better that night than I had in a long time. This whole situation really made me crave some rejuvenating, and again, that's exactly what I got.
I went away last weekend, I went to spend time in my other home city, with people that I haven't seen since October. What an answer to my prayers. I had some intense, real, heart wrenching conversations about Christ, the Kingdom, the American Church, our role as Christians, and got down to the root of my complacency with life lately. If you're wondering what I mean, keep reading, it's coming I promise. The biggest thing I want to take away from all these conversations is something that my friend Price has said to me a number of times, that has never sank in before, he said "I am never amazed by God, but I am always in awe of Him". Wow. What a cool what to look at things, it makes complete sense. If we are indeed amazed by God, it almost implies that we didn't have the faith that He could do the very thing that we were amazed by. However, when we are in awe of God, it's acknowledging that we knew and had faith that He was capable of doing anything, and we are moved by the fact that He loves us enough to continually do those things. I tell you what, I have been in awe of God every day since Price and I had that conversation...
My head is absolutely buzzing with everything that was discussed while I was out of town. I have a new fire burning inside me to not only pursue Christ more intently, but to pursue furthering His Kingdom but working with what He has blessed me with. I've been thinking a lot about the idea of ministry and what that looks like for me right now. I have an amazing ministry opportunity by working for Cummins. In Matthew 28:19 Christ calls us to "go out and make disciples of all nations". What he didn't say, was that we had to go to those Nations in order to make disciples out of the people. Stick with me here. Many of you know I am a huge proponent of international missions work. I love going to new cultures and learning about them while teaching Jesus' word. There are a couple of things that have hit me lately when it comes to Matthew 28:19 and missions work. Most of these things were sparked by a book I have been reading and from conversations with a dear friend Saturday night. The first thing is that we are all called to make disciples and share the Good News, but we are all called in different ways. Many people lose sight of the fact that living in the United States is a ministry opportunity in itself. God has brought the nations to us, they are here in our cities, they are a part of our lives. Cummins is an incredibly diverse company, which provides HUGE opportunities to minister to the Nations. Which also helps me to realize that we need to welcome people of other Nationalities into our homes and churches. We need to make more of an effort to not consider them "our churches" and pay more attention to that they are God's churches. All people are a part of the Church. I'm reading a book all about that, so I'll elaborate on that point at a later date. The other point that came from this conversation is the way we go about international missions. I think a lot of us, me included, have lost sight of the point of an international mission trip. We are called to go overseas to experience new cultures, teach them about Jesus and help them find ways to implement Jesus into their culture... because He's already there. Too often we focus too much on the American way of experiencing Jesus, but we can't expect other cultures to experience Him in the same way that we do. We, as Christians, need to focus on the fact that we are Christian missionaries and not American missionaries. Please don't misconstrue what I am saying, I'm not saying ALL international missions are this way, I just think it needs to be addressed, as do a lot of things about the American church. I have a burning desire to see us return to the roots of what it means to be Christ followers, to worship with unabashed excitement. To spread Jesus everywhere we go, and not just the American idea of Jesus, but the REAL, pure Jesus. I think we need to be more focused on saving souls than filling seats. I think...
There's a lot going on in this post, and it's merely a starting point. I need a place to really compile these thoughts, put them out there and have more meaningful conversations about these ideas. I don't know who will read this, but I do know one thing. I am thankful for you. I am thankful that you are taking the time to read my ideas and beliefs, and possibly even use them to take action. I am thankful for my home, my city, my friends, and my family. I am also EXTREMELY thankful for everything that I experience in Lexington last weekend. I am thankful for the Watkins family and the generosity they show me every time I visit, and I am thankful for Lindsey and her heart and passion for Christ. The conversations we had last weekend completely moved me and helped me to rekindle some serious fires that need to be burning in my soul. I look forward to the next opportunity I have to visit and experience all that God has in store, and between now and then I will cling to the experiences He creates day in and day out here at home. Again, thanks for reading-- I know these are some seriously scattered thoughts, but as I have said before this blog is meant to be raw and unedited. Please know that I am praying for you, and would love to talk to you more about these things and pray with you in the coming days. In Christ...
Grace and Peace,
B
7.13.2012
6.27.2012
Courageous: A tribute to my Pops
I know Father's Day has come and gone, and this blog post is probably the first one that SHOULD have been written when all of this started 3 years ago. In fact, to be honest, it should have been written when I was 15... but I didn't know then what I know now. The reason I am writing this now, is because I finally saw the movie Courageous.
Now, for those of you that haven't seen the movie, I don't completely want to ruin it, however I do need to explain some things in order for this to come full circle so... *SPOILER ALERT*. As with most Christian Family Films there is a certain aspect of cheesiness and bad acting in the movie, but it's really more about the story and the moral of that story that really matter here. Essentially the movie revolves around a group of men that are Police Officers. They come together as friends, officers, and fathers to realize that there are areas in their lives as Fathers' that are lacking greatly. So they sign this pledge, the pledge states that they will do everything in their power not to be "good enough dads" but to be outstanding fathers. To be Fathers that teach their children to love Christ, and especially to be fathers that call their sons into manhood the way Christ designed manhood to look. Seeing as that I'm not a father, I have a different take on this movie than most people do I would assume. The first way I looked at it was what I could learn from it for the future. Things that I needed to remember so that I could be that kind of father when God calls me to become one. The big thing I took away from the film in this respect was that before I become a father (and by that I mean before my child is here) I need to take time to sit down and study what the Word says about fatherhood. I have a desire the kind of father that God commissions men to be through His Word.The beautiful thing about that, is that God has blessed me with a perfect example of what it means to be a Courageous father.
One of the main themes in the movie was that the fathers realized that one of the most important aspects of being a father was to spend time with their children. Lucky for me, that was always my Pops' number 1 priority. Pops coached me in everything, from the time I started to play anything. When he wasn't coaching he was in the stands cheering me on. When I wasn't playing sports as a child, we were camping, fishing, riding bikes, taking trips, wrestling in the living room, watching movies, or doing chores together. I wanted to be just like my Pops from day 1, he was and is my hero. Now, the worst part of all this is that it took me about 8 years to realize how great my Pops is. I spent the better part of my teenage years being a jerk. I thought I knew more than he did, thought I was better at things than he was, and thought that he just wanted to give me a hard time. I had very little respect for the man that deserved every ounce of respect I had in me. Even though I lied, excluded, yelled, and ignored my Pops for a few years of my life, he loved me through every last bit of it. Once I got out of high school and got away to college I started to realize just how smart my Pops is. I got to see a new side of him, that included us sharing a (rare) beer together. Going to baseball games and being able to really enjoy the feud between our two favorite teams. Then I got my relationship with my heavenly Father moving in the right direction, which allowed me to see the relationship my Pops has with Christ. It was something I never took the time to notice before, probably because I wasn't looking at it in the right perspective. I am thankful for who my father is and I am thankful that he taught me about my heavenly Father.
My Pops is a Courageous father. He has been there for me through tough times, he's always worked harder than anyone else I know, and he's always loved stronger. Because of the courage of my Pops to be an outstanding father, I have grown into a man that, when I look into the mirror, I am proud of. My Pops, and his dad my Poppy, are the reason I moved back to Hope, IN. Because even though I acted like I wanted to leave more than anything else, what I knew in my heart was I wanted to learn to be just like Pops, and I wanted to learn everything he had to teach me. The best way to learn is for me to be only 2 miles from the teacher. I am blessed to be able to say that Pops isn't just my dad, old man, father, or pain-in-the-rear... but my friend. I can call him to ask how to build something, to borrow his pickup (or lawnmower, tools, etc.), just to say hey, or to go catch a game or movie and I know he'll always be there. I know I have a golf partner when I need one, and a spiritual mentor that doesn't have to say a word, because his actions speak louder than his words. I am thankful that my Pops is a courageous man, and I pray daily that I will be half the man that he is.
I love you, Pops. Thanks for being courageous.
Grace and peace
Now, for those of you that haven't seen the movie, I don't completely want to ruin it, however I do need to explain some things in order for this to come full circle so... *SPOILER ALERT*. As with most Christian Family Films there is a certain aspect of cheesiness and bad acting in the movie, but it's really more about the story and the moral of that story that really matter here. Essentially the movie revolves around a group of men that are Police Officers. They come together as friends, officers, and fathers to realize that there are areas in their lives as Fathers' that are lacking greatly. So they sign this pledge, the pledge states that they will do everything in their power not to be "good enough dads" but to be outstanding fathers. To be Fathers that teach their children to love Christ, and especially to be fathers that call their sons into manhood the way Christ designed manhood to look. Seeing as that I'm not a father, I have a different take on this movie than most people do I would assume. The first way I looked at it was what I could learn from it for the future. Things that I needed to remember so that I could be that kind of father when God calls me to become one. The big thing I took away from the film in this respect was that before I become a father (and by that I mean before my child is here) I need to take time to sit down and study what the Word says about fatherhood. I have a desire the kind of father that God commissions men to be through His Word.The beautiful thing about that, is that God has blessed me with a perfect example of what it means to be a Courageous father.
One of the main themes in the movie was that the fathers realized that one of the most important aspects of being a father was to spend time with their children. Lucky for me, that was always my Pops' number 1 priority. Pops coached me in everything, from the time I started to play anything. When he wasn't coaching he was in the stands cheering me on. When I wasn't playing sports as a child, we were camping, fishing, riding bikes, taking trips, wrestling in the living room, watching movies, or doing chores together. I wanted to be just like my Pops from day 1, he was and is my hero. Now, the worst part of all this is that it took me about 8 years to realize how great my Pops is. I spent the better part of my teenage years being a jerk. I thought I knew more than he did, thought I was better at things than he was, and thought that he just wanted to give me a hard time. I had very little respect for the man that deserved every ounce of respect I had in me. Even though I lied, excluded, yelled, and ignored my Pops for a few years of my life, he loved me through every last bit of it. Once I got out of high school and got away to college I started to realize just how smart my Pops is. I got to see a new side of him, that included us sharing a (rare) beer together. Going to baseball games and being able to really enjoy the feud between our two favorite teams. Then I got my relationship with my heavenly Father moving in the right direction, which allowed me to see the relationship my Pops has with Christ. It was something I never took the time to notice before, probably because I wasn't looking at it in the right perspective. I am thankful for who my father is and I am thankful that he taught me about my heavenly Father.
My Pops is a Courageous father. He has been there for me through tough times, he's always worked harder than anyone else I know, and he's always loved stronger. Because of the courage of my Pops to be an outstanding father, I have grown into a man that, when I look into the mirror, I am proud of. My Pops, and his dad my Poppy, are the reason I moved back to Hope, IN. Because even though I acted like I wanted to leave more than anything else, what I knew in my heart was I wanted to learn to be just like Pops, and I wanted to learn everything he had to teach me. The best way to learn is for me to be only 2 miles from the teacher. I am blessed to be able to say that Pops isn't just my dad, old man, father, or pain-in-the-rear... but my friend. I can call him to ask how to build something, to borrow his pickup (or lawnmower, tools, etc.), just to say hey, or to go catch a game or movie and I know he'll always be there. I know I have a golf partner when I need one, and a spiritual mentor that doesn't have to say a word, because his actions speak louder than his words. I am thankful that my Pops is a courageous man, and I pray daily that I will be half the man that he is.
I love you, Pops. Thanks for being courageous.
Grace and peace
6.20.2012
Dive-bomb blessings
Shhhhh... don't tell anyone that I'm writing this really quickly at work, but I had to share my excitement about how crazy awesome God has been this week!
First off, last Sunday I got the opportunity to teach High School Sunday School. It was so legit. These kids are such an awesome group of people. They were funny, they had insight, the loved spending time together, and they love the Lord. I think my favorite part was during our prayer time at the end, I asked for requests... now, I expected some prayer requests for family, friends, etc. but I never expected what I got. The requests were for refocusing on Christ, discernment, jobs based on where God wanted them to be in order to best serve Him for the summer, priority, and calmness. It was such a humbling experience to hear these guys, most of them between 5-8 years younger then me asking for guidance, reassurance, and admitting their downfalls. I wasn't like that in high school at all. What an awesome way to start a stellar week...
The other cool part about Sunday was how the lesson has played into today (and the rest of the week). As many of you know I, we, tons of people have been praying for my nephew Elijah. My prayers for him started on August 26th, 2010. Now almost two full years later, he is finally coming home! Mike and Amy got a call this morning that they had passed Embassy and they could set up their court date to go back to Ethiopia and bring their son home for good! Let me explain why this is so perfect:
1. Today is Mike and Amy's 3rd wedding anniversary (I must be honest, I tried to trick Mike by asking him if it was really on Friday... he has his anniversary date memorized, good job bro)
2. God chose today, because he knew what an amazing anniversary gift that would be for two people that have humbled themselves before the Lord and made sacrifice after sacrifice to answer the call of giving this little boy a home.
3. The majority of the lesson on Sunday was about how God is aware of Himself. God knows how powerful, wise, and loving He is, and He shows it.
4. Another brief snippet of our lesson was about trusting Christ, being content and happy with life, and understanding that we must accept his purpose even if it doesn't align with our own plans. Amy and Mike have followed that to a T and God provided in a huge, mind-blowing way.
God is such a cool guy. No seriously, I laughed a little when someone phrased it that way to me in a text last night... but it's such a simple and absolutely true statement. I couldn't say it better myself. He is the Great Provider, and just when we think we have hit a point of complacency as opposed to contentedness, He dive bombs us with blessings that are so big and exciting that we can't help but look up and say "Thank You". I am excited for the rest of this week, I am excited for a number of reasons and I can't wait to see what God is going to do in my life and the lives of those around me. Thank you, Savior for all that you have blessed me with!
Grace and Peace
First off, last Sunday I got the opportunity to teach High School Sunday School. It was so legit. These kids are such an awesome group of people. They were funny, they had insight, the loved spending time together, and they love the Lord. I think my favorite part was during our prayer time at the end, I asked for requests... now, I expected some prayer requests for family, friends, etc. but I never expected what I got. The requests were for refocusing on Christ, discernment, jobs based on where God wanted them to be in order to best serve Him for the summer, priority, and calmness. It was such a humbling experience to hear these guys, most of them between 5-8 years younger then me asking for guidance, reassurance, and admitting their downfalls. I wasn't like that in high school at all. What an awesome way to start a stellar week...
The other cool part about Sunday was how the lesson has played into today (and the rest of the week). As many of you know I, we, tons of people have been praying for my nephew Elijah. My prayers for him started on August 26th, 2010. Now almost two full years later, he is finally coming home! Mike and Amy got a call this morning that they had passed Embassy and they could set up their court date to go back to Ethiopia and bring their son home for good! Let me explain why this is so perfect:
1. Today is Mike and Amy's 3rd wedding anniversary (I must be honest, I tried to trick Mike by asking him if it was really on Friday... he has his anniversary date memorized, good job bro)
2. God chose today, because he knew what an amazing anniversary gift that would be for two people that have humbled themselves before the Lord and made sacrifice after sacrifice to answer the call of giving this little boy a home.
3. The majority of the lesson on Sunday was about how God is aware of Himself. God knows how powerful, wise, and loving He is, and He shows it.
4. Another brief snippet of our lesson was about trusting Christ, being content and happy with life, and understanding that we must accept his purpose even if it doesn't align with our own plans. Amy and Mike have followed that to a T and God provided in a huge, mind-blowing way.
God is such a cool guy. No seriously, I laughed a little when someone phrased it that way to me in a text last night... but it's such a simple and absolutely true statement. I couldn't say it better myself. He is the Great Provider, and just when we think we have hit a point of complacency as opposed to contentedness, He dive bombs us with blessings that are so big and exciting that we can't help but look up and say "Thank You". I am excited for the rest of this week, I am excited for a number of reasons and I can't wait to see what God is going to do in my life and the lives of those around me. Thank you, Savior for all that you have blessed me with!
Grace and Peace
4.23.2012
The World We Live In
I often find myself amused by "Christian" phrases. Now, if some of you have read Jon Acuff's blog Stuff Christians Like... don't stop reading because you think I'm jacking his ideas. This is a legitimate concern. So many times we, as Christians, talk about "the ways of the World" and being "in the world, but not of the world". Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not mocking these things, nor am I arguing their existance or validity. However, in the last 8 days I have realized something about the truth concerning The World.
A week ago I wrote about an amazing experience I had with Christ while away from the world on The Walk to Emmaus. I had a mountain top, retreat high from all of the great things I heard and experienced. Since I returned, it has taken absolutely no time at all for me to sink back into the ways of The World. I never really thought about how worldly my life really is, or how down-trodden I have allowed myself to become based on what the World thinks of me. I'll be really transparent right now and say that while I was on my retreat I used one curse word the entire 3 days, I didn't even curse in my head. Unfortunately, that has changed again since I have returned to the World. Now, it's something that I am working on and I don't just cuss to because I think it sounds cool, it's a bad habit. The sad thing is that's not the only change I've noticed...
I made some great strides in my prayer life, the time I was spending in the Word, and my relationships with other Christian men, those things have all greatly suffered since returning. Last week was once again a blur at work, today was frustrating... and yet despite everything that goes on I know that one thing remains and that is Christ's presence in my daily life. So if that's true, why do I ignore it so often?? Why do we, all of us, allow the World to push Christ out of the foreground and into the background. Why do we allow ourselves to take, take, take both of the World and Christ.. and yet the only one giving anything worthwhile is Christ. The World can not supply a joy that has longevity. The thing that bothers me most, is it affects my ability to minister to those I encounter on a daily basis. For example, I get to work around 7:30 every day. I love the stillness and calm of our office before everyone is there. This morning I was reading over my VOD while sitting at my desk and I heard a sneeze come from across the office. I had no idea who was there, couldn't see them outside my cubicle, and I wanted to say "God bless you" but I stopped myself. The World stopped me, because the World has convinced me that I have to be incredibly sensitive to others beliefs, even going as far as ignoring my own. I'm not saying that tolerance.. no no, acceptance is not a vital part of community. But to what extent do we go to be careful not to offend others. While I played all of this out in my head during about a 6 second span, God answered by giving me yet another opportunity, my coworker sneezed again, and again I remained quiet. If that wasn't enough, he sneezed a third time and then another coworker sneezed as well. Now, disregarding the health concern with all this sneezing going on, I just couldn't bring myself to say "God bless you" because I live of this World...
Maybe that seems extremely menial to you, but one of the things I have heard a lot lately is that we may be the only Bible someone ever gets a chance to read. I, me, Brad Robertson could be the only way that coworker, waitress, cashier, customer, fellow shopper, driver, or person on the elevator would have the chance to experience Christ that day. And I just completely blew it, I saw the opportunity, and I watched it blow away like a plastic bag in the wind (name that movie reference). I am actually disappointed in myself for my inability to be a disciple in that way. I realized I talk/complain about wanting to work in ministry, and God gave me a great opportunity to do ministry in a secular environment, and I
So let me ask you this... how are you living your daily life? Are you allowing the world to use you as it's punching bag, or are you standing your ground, dodging and blocking it's blows, and fighting back until you persevere? Have you really thought about how the World affects your daily life? What would people be saying about the World, if we really allowed Christ to hold the whole world in HIS hands, instead of trying to grasp it in our own? Marinate on that.
Grace and Peace
4.15.2012
Matthew 22:39
Running.A.Marathon
Now, you are probably all laughing while thinking about me running a marathon, in fact, I'm laughing about it myself. That's not what the opening phrase is referring too though. Lately, I have been running and in this situation I feel like the Flash (Bazinga!). That's not a good thing. I have been running from a huge burden in my life. A burden that has been hurting me terribly since I returned from Ethiopia and allowed myself to fall back into the ways of the world. I haven't talked to anyone about what's been going on in this area of my life, so if you are reading this and wondering what it is I'm talking about, and you find yourself upset that I haven't come to you about this, I apologize. However, you are not alone, because literally no one knew about this until Friday. In fact, the first time I have even alluded to the struggle was Thursday afternoon... so hang on tight because this is going to be an emotional ride (for me at least).
Walk.To.Emmaus.
I can't tell you anything about this weekend, as far as specific details go. I can tell you that saying that this weekend was life-changing is an understatement. I laughed, I cried, I prayed, I was in fellowship with a large group of Christian men, and I was transformed. Before I left I had two very important conversations with two very important people. I mentioned to each of these friends that I knew that while I was gone for three days I would have to face some big sins, and face God and myself. That terrified me. I had no idea how difficult it would actually be. I had no idea just how heavy this burden was on me.
Then.It.Happened.
Friday night I had this amazing experience with Christ. During a moment before bed, something just hit me and the weight of everything just came crashing down. I finally had to face what I had been running from for the last 11 months. So I removed my glasses, bowed my head, and began to weep. I called out to Christ and confessed what was bothering me. I had finally hit my breaking point and it was time to come clean.
I.didnt.love.myself.
There it is. That was what had been separating me from God for almost a year. I didn't love myself, and I didn't know how to love myself. I had been so unhappy with my physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental being that I was beginning to look at myself with disgust. Now, let me clarify, at no point had I become depressed, I was just at the point where I could not find joy in myself at all, all of my joy was coming from other people/places. I was at a point where looking in the mirror was a terrible way to start my day. So I asked Christ to restore me, to change the way I feel about myself, and teach me to love myself. You see, I love Christ and I understand that Christ loves me. I have felt the love of Christ, but I didn't understand it. I couldn't figure out how a God so perfect could love someone so wretched. Over the last few months I had noticed a trend occurring in my life. There are a group of people, that I tell that I love them on a weekly, almost daily basis, because I do. These people reciprocated my love, and while I knew that they meant it, I didn't understand why. I began to question why anyone outside of my family could love me, when I couldn't love myself. Sitting there Friday night I began to pray.."Why, God, why? Why can't I love myself, why do you love me, how can others love me, what's next???" While I was praying, weeping, and praying some more, one of the team members came up and asked if I wanted to talk. I poured my heart out to this man that I didn't even know (the funny thing is, I couldn't see him either, no glasses and my eyes were flooded with tears) but I told him everything about how I was feeling. He prayed for me, and I felt the weight begin to lift. I continued to pray into the night, and I continued to cry. The next day I confessed my burden to some other people, I listened to God begin to speak, and for the first time in a very long time I looked and in a mirror and smiled at my own reflection. Not because I am particularly good looking, but because I finally had made peace with Christ, and battle the beast.
Love.Thy.Neighbor.
If you recall, the last blog I put up was about being more intentional in being relational. I realized my excuses in regards to time weren't the only problems I was facing, I was having difficulty loving my neighbors (in this case being relational) because I couldn't love myself. Matthew 22:39 says "Love your neighbor as you love yourself" that's pretty hard to do when you don't love yourself. I realized that the reason I was skipping out on things, spending more time at home in front of the TV, and not acting much like myself was because I couldn't love myself. That all changed this weekend. I was reminded that I am a child of God, and while I may not be anything special, God created me in His image, and Christ thinks I'm worthy of His own life. That means more than I ever understood before this weekend. I began to realize that while there is always room for improvement, because we are works in progress, it didn't definitively mean that I was unworthy of love. In fact, after this weekend, I feel more loved than I ever have in my entire life. Christ lit a fire in my heart, a fire that had burned out over time, a fire in which my love for Christ, was kindled by the love for myself, which then fueled my ability to love others. I am thankful beyond words for what Christ did for me this weekend. Of course it doesn't stop there, but that's another story. I am renewewd in Christ, and renewed in the love I have for myself.
Get.ready.to.read.
I learned a lot this weekend. There is more to be said on the above revelation, but to be honest I am exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally (which I may have already said). Stay tuned though, one of the things I got out of this weekend was rethinking my priorities. Writing needs to become a higher priority, because it allows me to put my thoughts into words, and it allows me to share with my brothers and sisters in Christ, what is on my heart. I love you.
Grace and Peace
Now, you are probably all laughing while thinking about me running a marathon, in fact, I'm laughing about it myself. That's not what the opening phrase is referring too though. Lately, I have been running and in this situation I feel like the Flash (Bazinga!). That's not a good thing. I have been running from a huge burden in my life. A burden that has been hurting me terribly since I returned from Ethiopia and allowed myself to fall back into the ways of the world. I haven't talked to anyone about what's been going on in this area of my life, so if you are reading this and wondering what it is I'm talking about, and you find yourself upset that I haven't come to you about this, I apologize. However, you are not alone, because literally no one knew about this until Friday. In fact, the first time I have even alluded to the struggle was Thursday afternoon... so hang on tight because this is going to be an emotional ride (for me at least).
Walk.To.Emmaus.
I can't tell you anything about this weekend, as far as specific details go. I can tell you that saying that this weekend was life-changing is an understatement. I laughed, I cried, I prayed, I was in fellowship with a large group of Christian men, and I was transformed. Before I left I had two very important conversations with two very important people. I mentioned to each of these friends that I knew that while I was gone for three days I would have to face some big sins, and face God and myself. That terrified me. I had no idea how difficult it would actually be. I had no idea just how heavy this burden was on me.
Then.It.Happened.
Friday night I had this amazing experience with Christ. During a moment before bed, something just hit me and the weight of everything just came crashing down. I finally had to face what I had been running from for the last 11 months. So I removed my glasses, bowed my head, and began to weep. I called out to Christ and confessed what was bothering me. I had finally hit my breaking point and it was time to come clean.
I.didnt.love.myself.
There it is. That was what had been separating me from God for almost a year. I didn't love myself, and I didn't know how to love myself. I had been so unhappy with my physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental being that I was beginning to look at myself with disgust. Now, let me clarify, at no point had I become depressed, I was just at the point where I could not find joy in myself at all, all of my joy was coming from other people/places. I was at a point where looking in the mirror was a terrible way to start my day. So I asked Christ to restore me, to change the way I feel about myself, and teach me to love myself. You see, I love Christ and I understand that Christ loves me. I have felt the love of Christ, but I didn't understand it. I couldn't figure out how a God so perfect could love someone so wretched. Over the last few months I had noticed a trend occurring in my life. There are a group of people, that I tell that I love them on a weekly, almost daily basis, because I do. These people reciprocated my love, and while I knew that they meant it, I didn't understand why. I began to question why anyone outside of my family could love me, when I couldn't love myself. Sitting there Friday night I began to pray.."Why, God, why? Why can't I love myself, why do you love me, how can others love me, what's next???" While I was praying, weeping, and praying some more, one of the team members came up and asked if I wanted to talk. I poured my heart out to this man that I didn't even know (the funny thing is, I couldn't see him either, no glasses and my eyes were flooded with tears) but I told him everything about how I was feeling. He prayed for me, and I felt the weight begin to lift. I continued to pray into the night, and I continued to cry. The next day I confessed my burden to some other people, I listened to God begin to speak, and for the first time in a very long time I looked and in a mirror and smiled at my own reflection. Not because I am particularly good looking, but because I finally had made peace with Christ, and battle the beast.
Love.Thy.Neighbor.
If you recall, the last blog I put up was about being more intentional in being relational. I realized my excuses in regards to time weren't the only problems I was facing, I was having difficulty loving my neighbors (in this case being relational) because I couldn't love myself. Matthew 22:39 says "Love your neighbor as you love yourself" that's pretty hard to do when you don't love yourself. I realized that the reason I was skipping out on things, spending more time at home in front of the TV, and not acting much like myself was because I couldn't love myself. That all changed this weekend. I was reminded that I am a child of God, and while I may not be anything special, God created me in His image, and Christ thinks I'm worthy of His own life. That means more than I ever understood before this weekend. I began to realize that while there is always room for improvement, because we are works in progress, it didn't definitively mean that I was unworthy of love. In fact, after this weekend, I feel more loved than I ever have in my entire life. Christ lit a fire in my heart, a fire that had burned out over time, a fire in which my love for Christ, was kindled by the love for myself, which then fueled my ability to love others. I am thankful beyond words for what Christ did for me this weekend. Of course it doesn't stop there, but that's another story. I am renewewd in Christ, and renewed in the love I have for myself.
Get.ready.to.read.
I learned a lot this weekend. There is more to be said on the above revelation, but to be honest I am exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally (which I may have already said). Stay tuned though, one of the things I got out of this weekend was rethinking my priorities. Writing needs to become a higher priority, because it allows me to put my thoughts into words, and it allows me to share with my brothers and sisters in Christ, what is on my heart. I love you.
Grace and Peace
4.04.2012
Conversations that create inspiration
This post has been a long time coming. I have had many people ask me if I had stopped writing, but that's not the case at all. I think God has been preparing me to write this over the last few weeks. Life has been moving faster than ever and it seems as though I have had 6 hours to breath in the last 2 months. It was during a conversation with a brother of mine this week that made me realize, I haven't been writing for two reasons 1. I have been uninspired, I have been so focused on work that I haven't taken any time to allow the Holy Spirit to move in me (more on that later) 2. I think if I had tried to write in the last two months or so all I would have done was babble and complain, that isn't the purpose of this blog, nor is it something I want to put my readers through. While I don't promise that there will not be complaints throughout my posts, I will always try to remain focused on the Kingdom, the way God is working in my life and the lives of those around me...
As I said before life has been moving fast, so let me catch you up on everything that has been happening. Some of you may know back in December I accepted a contract position with Cummins. It was initially supposed to last 2 months, it has now been 4 months and I have another 6 months guaranteed. The hope is that at some point in the next 6 months I will be offered a full time position. To be honest when I took the position I was really just trying to make a little money. It has turned into a huge blessing, a position that I currently love and a great ministry opportunity. Two months after accepting the contract I moved into a house with a good friend of mine. It's great to be on my own again, and while it was different at first to be living that close to home but not at home, I know this was a good move for me. Between work, a new house, church/small group, friends and family life has been a whirlwind. My excuse for not writing, not staying in touch, not reading, etc. has been that I don't have time...
This week I have been getting to know some new people. Through a series of conversations with some of these people about their desires to be more involved I came to the realization that my excuses have no validity. I found myself telling them that if they felt a call on their heart then they needed to answer that call. I knew that despite what they had going on, God would provide the time, energy, and resources to get everything done because they were doing what He was calling them to do. Talk about slapping myself in the face. Here I was encouraging people to answer their call, and yet I was blatantly ignoring my own. I have things I have committed to that need follow through. I need to be more intentional about being relational. I need to continue to make time to ask people for prayers... And I don't mean ask them for prayers for myself, but ask them how I can pray for them. I am thankful for the people God is placing in my path, I am excited to see those relationships develop and grow. I constantly think about the bible and the letters that Paul writes to the different churches. He as genuine concern for them and their relationships with Christ. I want to be more like Paul in that way. I want to be more focused on the growth of those around me, and my own impact on them.
I am a constant work in progress and there are days when I take backward steps. I am learning every day how beautiful the grace and mercy of God really is. I have finally begun to slow down and take more time to enjoy everything. Things like staying up way too late to have meaningful conversations, or going for a run after work (granted I almost died after the one). I want nothing more than to look back and feel as though I never missed a meaningful moment because I took the time to stop and embrace all the beauty that God has created. I am thankful for family, friends, financial stability, the opportunity to serve in more ways each day, and the influence others are having in my life! Stay tuned readers... There is more to come. I love you.
Let me know how I can pray for you
Grace and Peace
As I said before life has been moving fast, so let me catch you up on everything that has been happening. Some of you may know back in December I accepted a contract position with Cummins. It was initially supposed to last 2 months, it has now been 4 months and I have another 6 months guaranteed. The hope is that at some point in the next 6 months I will be offered a full time position. To be honest when I took the position I was really just trying to make a little money. It has turned into a huge blessing, a position that I currently love and a great ministry opportunity. Two months after accepting the contract I moved into a house with a good friend of mine. It's great to be on my own again, and while it was different at first to be living that close to home but not at home, I know this was a good move for me. Between work, a new house, church/small group, friends and family life has been a whirlwind. My excuse for not writing, not staying in touch, not reading, etc. has been that I don't have time...
This week I have been getting to know some new people. Through a series of conversations with some of these people about their desires to be more involved I came to the realization that my excuses have no validity. I found myself telling them that if they felt a call on their heart then they needed to answer that call. I knew that despite what they had going on, God would provide the time, energy, and resources to get everything done because they were doing what He was calling them to do. Talk about slapping myself in the face. Here I was encouraging people to answer their call, and yet I was blatantly ignoring my own. I have things I have committed to that need follow through. I need to be more intentional about being relational. I need to continue to make time to ask people for prayers... And I don't mean ask them for prayers for myself, but ask them how I can pray for them. I am thankful for the people God is placing in my path, I am excited to see those relationships develop and grow. I constantly think about the bible and the letters that Paul writes to the different churches. He as genuine concern for them and their relationships with Christ. I want to be more like Paul in that way. I want to be more focused on the growth of those around me, and my own impact on them.
I am a constant work in progress and there are days when I take backward steps. I am learning every day how beautiful the grace and mercy of God really is. I have finally begun to slow down and take more time to enjoy everything. Things like staying up way too late to have meaningful conversations, or going for a run after work (granted I almost died after the one). I want nothing more than to look back and feel as though I never missed a meaningful moment because I took the time to stop and embrace all the beauty that God has created. I am thankful for family, friends, financial stability, the opportunity to serve in more ways each day, and the influence others are having in my life! Stay tuned readers... There is more to come. I love you.
Let me know how I can pray for you
Grace and Peace
3.27.2012
Blue Like Jazz: Official Trailer
Hey readers... I know it's been a long time, and I promise the breakdown of what I've been reading/thinking/dealing with is coming soon (maybe even tonight) but in the meantime, just so you don't think that I have forgotten about you... check at the trailer I've linked below. This movie, Blue Like Jazz, is based on a book about the life of Donal Miller. It's a terrific movie, and it's supposed to release in April (it was formerly the 13th, it appears it may be the 27th instead). You might be wondering how I have seen it already? The director pre-screened it at National Youth Workers Convention in Atlanta this past fall. I loved every minute of it, which is why I'm sharing it with you. If you haven't read the book, pick up a copy... if you have read the book, read it again.
Grace and Peace,
B
Grace and Peace,
B
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